Yesterday’s meeting of my war cabinet agreed to issue this plan to simplify the electoral system.

Annihilation has never been an option for my government. Four months of adverse polls have taught me that I must continue to push ahead with making individuals take responsibility for their well-being.

In the past, my government has been guilty of electoral socialism. Whenever we have provided an inducement, we have made the same offer to everyone.

For instance, in 2004, all first-home buyers got $7000. In my most recent budget, all pensioners got a top-up against the cost of their utilities. Last month, all carers got the same one-off payment of $1000.

In the past, this strategy has served us well at the polls. Successive victories have allowed me to convince voters on why they cannot depend on government hand-outs. They have learned the evils of welfare dependency. That is why they have turned against a one-size-fits-all set of inducements. Clearly, that blanket approach now smells of the discredited socialist idea of equality which imposes sameness. Rightly, the Australian voters want no more of pattern bargaining in our democracy.

Therefore, my government will be offering every citizen an Individual Ballot-Box Agreement (IBBAs). Inducements henceforth will be tailored to the particular needs of each personality. I have no doubt that this new system will be even more popular than individual workplace agreements. They will certainly be even more flexible.

Because of the novel nature of my leadership on this issue, I should perhaps provide some guidance of what will be expected of electors between now and the only poll that counts.

For instance, a rusted-on Labor voter will be able to exchange his vote for a complete set of false teeth, with a life-time of adjustments for shrinking gums. A doctor’s wife could swap her franchise for a face-lift. Merchant bankers might consider a commutation of a future sentence. Students whose scores fail to gain them entry to any Australian university can ask to have their fees and living expenses paid at an overseas university.

But these are only suggestions. Every voter will have the flexibility to email his or her request to whichever government department seems most appropriate. My foreign minister assures me that there is no reason why Australia should not have multiple ambassadors in Rome. Don’t be shy.

The only exception in the small print is that you will not be able to trade your vote for a new government.

The added advantage of my new policy is that the IBBAs are bound to prove so popular that there will be no need for my government to spend a cent on advertising them.

I have the assurance of the leader of the opposition that he agrees in principle.