So Janette wants to upgrade and exchange the Royal Doulton for a new table-setting and glassware cabinet with adjustable shelves. What’s John Faulkner getting his knickers in a twist about?

Like, he’s never invited friends over to have a crack at his $475,000 knife-and-fork collection before. There’s a standard to be upheld, and I think it’s only fair and reasonable that a large whack of dollars be used to spruce up the PM’s central gastronomic adventure playground.

Dinner tables are where political careers are made and broken; where deals are nutted out over stuffed shitake mushrooms and buttery pancetta risotto, backs are viciously knifed as endless bottles of Bass Phillip 2001 Reserve Pinot are divided amongst guests, and erstwhile roosters write ALP leaders off as Nikon-shattering lunatics by the time the tiramisu is served.

A dining room is the breeding ground for dynamic change and groundbreaking moral reform, unless of course you’re George Bush senior in which case it seems a perfect opportunity to lavishly vomit into the lap of Kiichi Miyazawa before being carried out of the room by a handful of burly Secret Service agents (and to that I say who are we to judge another’s unusual negotiation tactics? Let ye who is without Fugu poisoning cast the first stone, etc).

It seems only right that $2885 x 36 executive leather chairs for the cabinet room be matched by equally plush serviette rings and decorative candelabras elsewhere. Who wants to be abundantly catered for in the backside area only to be disappointed by lacklustre serving platters?

Pulling the pin on this project is not only a travesty, it’s UnAustralian™. And anyone rueing the instant and somewhat startling rug-pull (presumably our friendly architect is still spinning around in his ergonomic desk chair and asking aloud what the hell just happened to his lovely new job and why his friends in the Coalition are no longer returning his late-night phone calls) can comfort themselves with the thought that come November it’ll most likely be Therese’s turn to set the standard. And you can rest assured the China will be well cared for.

CRIKEY: Though Janette’s dinoir will never become reality, Crikey can exclusively reveal what it would have looked like. This morning an interior decorating insider emailed through this computer-generated imagining straight from the bureau of Hyacinth: