For most of the year I can convince myself that I’m actually a pretty ordinary Aussie citizen, but there’s nothing like a Budget announcement to show how little I matter — as a partnered, childless, middle-income-earning lesbian.

Forget the fact that the “family” parts of the Budget won’t include two women — let’s just look at some of the things I’ve heard or seen this morning (mostly on Sunrise or in the SMH, so trust them at your peril!)

  • Increase in child-care rebate and a change in the way it’s paid. Oh goody. Now even more money can flow through into the hands of the care-for-profit-child-care centres like ABC Learning, where the dude in charge already has his own private jet — last year $128 million of the rebate went straight to them.
  • $1 billion on obesity programs — gee, I wonder how that stacks up against advertising campaigns of the big junk food companies. I’ve read KFC is around $100 million so combined with all the other evil, but yummy, places it’s probably not even a dollar-for-dollar battle.
  • $5 billion endowment fund for universities. It’s aimed at providing buildings and the like I think — pity though, that no one can afford uni anymore with Hecs hanging over their heads, and even if they do go they can’t enjoy it, given that there are no great on-campus activities funded by unions any more.
  • $700 for out-of-school tuition. Hmmm…why not give the money to the bloody teachers or schools, rather than private tutoring companies that pay bored uni students $40 a hour to write HSC papers for their students.
  • $8000 for solar panels. Pity I can’t afford a bloody HOUSE isn’t it? What about more first homeowner help — or abolishment of stamp duty — which was promised with the introduction of GST anyhow.
  • Extra super co-contribution. I now earn too much for this, which means I’m in the no-woman’s land of no help for anything really. And if you really think workers on $28,000 a year are going to give a toss about this and add $1000 to their super, then you’ve never tried to actually live on $28,000. It all goes on things like, der, FOOD.
  • $500 bribe for seniors — never mind the fact that most of them already hog all the property, and these days are retiring baby boomers with $$$ hidden everywhere — good way to buy votes!

What I would do with the money:

  • A HEAP of dollars to get people out of the city into large towns and even smaller towns to try and “drought proof” those communities — more people living there would mean more services, jobs, business etc. Also would lower pressure on rent and property prices in the cities. As a bonus we could send entire sub-cultures — Emos would probably like their own pain-filled dust bowl.
  • LOTS of that obesity money into after-school sports and PE teachers for schools — every kid must be sweating at least an hour a day. This is a bonus because it would also employ lots of lesbians. You could also ban junk ads aimed at kids –although that may result in loss of advertising jobs for poofs.
  • HELP me with my super — even though I earn a decent amount I can’t contribute to super AND save for a house. PLEASE pick one of these areas for some assistance cause I KNOW you know that there won’t be a pension when I’m old.
  • Government-funded-community-not-for-profit-child-care centres only please. Free if possible. Why do we have all of our intelligent mums locked away at home when they could be out back at work?
  • And if you don’t have kids, which is probably the best thing to do for our environment, you get a bonus for being unselfish, and can spend that on expensive champagne and good nights out about the town. Or spend it on pampering your pets, who are much more fun than a drooling toddler.

Thanks for nothing, Johnnie!

This article was previously published at SameSame.com.au.