On Monday we asked readers to send through their top six ideas for screwing the habitat — here are our favourite entries:
1. Bring back Firestick farming, but why stick to the bush? Start with Green HQ, then PETA and move on from there. Blues Point Tower at No 27 on the list.
2. Buy a V12 car, in fact, buy several of them. A lease isn’t considered eco-unfriendly (yet) so give your credit rating a workout at the same time as you’re belching fumes into the air (which will ultimately keep you warm in winter).
3. Fly around the world, 60 or 70 times. We all know how much aircraft pollute. Embrace that knowledge and screw some Amazonians.
4. Buy shares in McDonalds, and any oil company you can find, except those pussies who put ads in The Economist pointing out how green it is to use oil. They take lessons from the Greek God sans-testiclees.
5. Take up smoking, but only Cuban cigars which have been driven here in a 1957 Chevy El-Dorado converted to run on nothing but Super and two-stroke.
6. In the tradition of burning cricket coaches in effigy, try burning an entire country in effigy. It’ll create a lot of smoke… let’s see, will anyone REALLY miss the subcontinent, apart from Hutchison Telecom?
1. Owning a 4WD, and then actually using it for 4WDing — not only all that fossil fuel, Greenhouse gas but you get to trample environment, chew up tracks and cause erosion and siltation, and spread weed species! (of course, most of us do it responsibly and abide by the National Charter for 4WDing and become passionate conversationists by being in the bush but if you mention that I won’t win).
2. Washing your hair with shampoo in a river (I know I am sounding like Kevin).
3. Stop Joe Hockey rescuing me from fast-flowing river (add some cool water pollution to this heady brew).
4. Buy cheap parallel imported spray cans that still use CFCs (save money as well to spend on other environment-stuffing activities).
5. Don’t yell at your kids to shut the bloody fridge door (they’ll like you more and actually get them to hold it open whilst they decide what they will drink.)
6. Print out every Crikey e-mail you get on virgin heavy weight paper, and throw it in the land-fill bin.
1. A full on garden and lawn irrigation system complete with pop-up sprinklers.
2. A bucket and a 2-litre container of non biodegradable car wash.
3. 24 100w incandescent globes for rooms in my house.
4. 10 copies of the SMH delivered each Saturday.
5. A old model 4wd V8 Landover.
6. A packet of unfiltered CAPSTAN cigarettes.
I think you are being a tad harsh and insensitive. We must recognise that we have a problem and that consequently we are all responsible for doing our bit to reduce the effect of global warming.
The logical way to do this is what I like at refer to as implementing global cooling. It’s quite simple and, as an international community effort, could involve the majority of first world citizens.
In 4 easy steps we could demonstrate both global solidarity and the intelligence, awareness and creativity that has created the situation in which we find the world.
Step 1: Turn on all the airconditioners in every office, factory, house and car.
Step 2: Set the thermostats as low as they will go.
Step 3: Open all the doors, windows and sunroofs.
Step 4: Enjoy cooler planet.
Next problem? Sometimes it’s hard to understand why we have any problems left at all.
1. Intentionally put non-recyclables into each of your recycle bins — by contaminating just one bin you can ruin a whole container load of recycling!
2. Pour used cooking oil down the sink. Old mower oil is good, too.
3. Go to the tip to find an old single-flush cistern and replace your dual flush at home with the water wasting single flusher. Think of it a recycling for the the planet f-cker!
4. After soaking your undies in bleach, make sure to recycle the water onto the council trees out the front. Over time the bleach should leach the soil of all nutritional value and kill the tree.
5. When doing the shopping, only buy products with excessive packaging and insist on products from so called “unsavoury” regimes such as Burma, Iran, North Korea and America.
6. Buy a 20-year-old, kick-arse 4WD (leaded only of course), never get it tuned and use it to play “Hunt the Hybrid”. 10 points for every Prius you can take off the road for more than a week. “Take the train, hippie!”.
Simon de Little:
Buy 6 shares in BHP Billiton…
1. Open a restaurant specialising in Braised Bilby, Blue Whale liver pate’ and Orange Bellied Parrot a’lorange.
2. Wash every dish twice on its own in the dishwasher. Before and after meals.
3. When it doesn’t rain, fill your rain tanks from the tap.
4. When buying Tiger Balm, insist on REAL tiger content.
5. Don’t throw dolphin un-friendly items like shopping bags and six- pack can holders in the gutter — we are in a drought and they might lie in the streets for weeks before being washed out to the ocean. Hire a boat instead and take them to the dolphins yourself.
6. Always buy American cars, European electronics and African house decorations.
1. Farm the Amazon River valley.
2. Industrialise Africa.
3. Hang on to North Korea’s frozen $35 million.
4. Feed baked beans to cattle.
5. Put the Pope in charge of family planning.
6. Give George Bush a third term.
1. Vote for John Howard.
2. Use any means imaginable to urge all Americans possible to vote for George W Bush.
3. Prospect for uranium in Antarctica.
4. Drop a nuclear bomb on Kyoto but warn the whale restaurants first.
5. Infilitrate al-Qaeda and convince them to attack Russia’s aging WMD facilities, unleashing the maximum amount of radioactive, chemical, and biological contaminants into Eurasia’s atmosphere and water systems.
6. Eat lots of cabbage, hoping the extra methane you produce will contribute to global warming.
Get yourself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible, hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for head lights (yeah). Drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour gettin’ 1 mile per gallon, sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers.
(courtesy Denis Leary)
But there can only be one winner … come on down Darryl Calderwood:
What timing! I had just lit up my first smoke and about to drive off in my 1974 Chev 350 V8 powered Jag (25 ltrs per 100 km) towing twin 140 hp engined runabout, hopefully to catch a bucketload of “Orange Roughy” with a new set of “squarehooks” (nets) I have just purchased.
Of course,I had to light the incinerator first — after all, it was Monday — and pat “Rambo” the blue heeler, who had just returned home after a night out, little bugger, probably tearing through neighbours rubbish bins and crapping on the beach — when I read your article about screwing up the habitat and considered entering your competition, but then, I really couldn’t think of six items to submit.
Darryl wins the Crikey F-ck The Planet Pack of fundamentally useless but enviromentally ironic goodies.