Congratulations to the following readers, winners of our Cliches for Kevin competition. Each will receive a copy of the Penguin Dictionary of Cliches.
Gabriel McGrath writes:
Kevin Rudd’s 2007 Budget Reply Speech (leaked copy):
Mr Speaker, we’ve just heard the mother of all budgets from the honorable member for Higgins, … a man with more “front” than Myers. He promises to lead the electorate to the promised land — and the land of milk and honey. But you can bet your bottom dollar, there’s a sting in it’s tail.
The Howard Government’s Budget contains all pain, and no gain. Rather than bringing home the bacon, the Treasurer has bitten the hand that feeds him, with a sweetheart deal for the fat cats.
While ordinary Australians struggle to make ends meet, Mr Costello and his friends in the big end of town will be raking in the money; rolling in the dough! And Mr and Mrs Average can only hope to find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. This is the Budget that breaks the bank. The straw that broke the camel’s back. A perfect storm of economic mismanagement and barking up the wrong tree.
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But what more should we expect… from a government that’s long in the tooth, and short on detail. Rather than attempting to see eye-to-eye with everyday Australians, or walk in their shoes, the Treasurer has opted to spit in their face and throw the baby out — with the bathwater.
Mr Costello has gone into this Budget with his guns blazing, but the Australian people have seen through his disguise, and his message has fallen on deaf ears. The writing is on the wall. After 11 years in office, this Government is on the nose… and the horse of popularity has bolted.
I say to the Australian people…. It’s time to draw a line in the sand. To bite the bullet, and vote this Government out, like there’s no tomorrow.
Darryl Calderwood writes:
On Foreign Policy: We should be aware that “all is jaundiced to the yellow eye” preferably when not concerning China — and not to be used in conjunction with “looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses“.
Mining and Exploration: Resolve to “Leave no stone unturned” but also to be aware that “all that glisters is not gold“.
Afghanistan and Iraq policy: We should all know that “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” or that they are “like two peas in a pod“, however, if one falls over they could be “like chalk and cheese“.
Health and Welfare: “Having your cake and eating it, too” or that the “proof of the pudding is in the eating” and certainly knowing “what side your bread is buttered on” and most importantly, that “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” and always remember that “sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you“.
Environment: Make sure that you “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” or “pass more wind than a bush horse” otherwise we are likely to end up “in more poo than a Werribee duck“.
Agriculture: In particular that “the wheat is sorted from the chaff“, and be careful because “what you sow, so you shall reap”, and we are advised that you “can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear” even though you can “cast pearl before swine“.
And finally Kev has to ensure before the election that he does not “cook his own goose“.
Alastair Blount writes:
Industrial Relations: The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. You can dress her up, but you still can’t take her to town.
Foreign Affairs: If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.
The Prime Minister: He’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Doesn’t have enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Education: As every schoolboy knows.
Any Portfolio: This is a process of eliminating options. I was born at night, but not last night!
Patrick Elmes writes:
On the election: “Yeh, mate, elections are different, mate. There are two teams out there, mate, and only one can win. So ya gotta lift a level, mate. Like, y’know, mate, there’ll be a fantastic atmosphere out there, mate, but it’s a game of two halves so anything can happen. But me, the blokes and sheilas will do what we gotta do, mate, and at the end of the day, it’ll be the team with the most points what wins.”
William Cushing writes: It’s time!
John Richardson writes:
On John Howard: The tank is empty, the battery is dead, the driveshaft has rusted through.
On Peter Costello: The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but there is no train.
On Alexander Downer: Sharp as a marshmallow.
On Helen Coonan: As useless as a camera without film.
On Tony Abbott: Depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
On the Government’s foreign policy credentials: Thinks “Red China” means dishes.
On Malcolm Turnbull, energy & water policy: If he were any dimmer, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
On Wilson Tuckey: Fell out of the family tree.
On Santo Santoro: Not just a has-been, but also a won’t-be.
On Brendan Nelson: Keeps repeating, “Socks first, then shoes.”
On Amanda Vanstone: With training could be a good paperweight.
On Bill Heffernan: Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was asleep.
On Julie Bishop: Once tried to find hay in a needlestack.
On WorkChoices: The last 10 pages are blank.