What does John Howard keep in his briefcase? The reader responses keep flowing in:
John Goldbaum writes: The election used to be in the bag but I don’t think it is anymore.
Simon Guglielmino writes: I think it’s like that suitcase out of Pulp Fiction. When opened it emits a golden glow, however we’ll never actually find out what’s in there, and yet lots of people (mostly Iraqis) will end up dying for it.
Hank van Apeldoorn writes: Prime Minister Howard has not been able to open his black briefcase for some time now (it was rumoured that he had it with him because he thought the American military might have been able to open it.) The briefcase is supposed to contain the Howard Government’s policies on research, innovation and ideas for Australia’s future in a time of climate change, that is, a vacuum.
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Mike Clarke (frustrated graphic designer):
Click for a larger image
Thomas Baxter writes: Emergency bill to install Steve Waugh as Prime Minister on Howard’s retirement, Wallabies tracksuit & a collapsible panama hat.
Stephen Flamer-Smith writes:
- Draft CV
- Draft job applications to Macquarie Bank, PBL and Airline Partners Australia, each contains proforma “your application has been successful” response for ease of use.
- RBA bank cheque from Dept of Education made payable to Exclusive Brethren for “school counselling services — election 2007”
- Large dossier marked “Costello dirt — media release” embargoed to 2008 (hand written note — “may need to amend to June 2007 — JH”).
- US citizenship application — completed in pencil as far as “Are you a terrorist?” question.
- Letter from brother Stan — Starts “John, I’ve got myself in a spot of bother, sorry to do this to you again but can you please make the following changes to legislation…”
- ASIO briefing “List of countries with no ICHR treaty”
- Plastic covered picture of George W’s face photoshopped onto Janette’s body.
- Julie Bishop’s knickers (he wishes), Alexander Downer’s stockings (true).
- Worldwide phrasebook — contains the phrase “On the advice I was given…” in 200 languages
- Offer from Hollywood agent for role in next Thunderbirds film.
Cameron Sharrock writes:
- 82% — fresh air. Once he can figure a way of adding GST to that, he will then require a bigger briefcase.
- 12.3% — paper. Clippings of various cutting edge political investigative reports by Piers Akerman and Andrew Bolt.
- 0.7% — computer disc. 1 x social justice policy saved on 3.5″ floppy and formatted to Lotus Notes for DOS 3.5. Never used.
- 3.1428% — pie. Four’n’Tweny
- 0.8572% — sauce. Smooshy packet. Heinz.
- 0.5% — Liberal Party Political Agenda. Written on back of cocktail napkin from airport lounge in Canberra. Illegible since 2001.
- 0.5% — Enemies list. Contains the following names: 1. David Hicks, 2.
Every State Opposition Leader.
Mansha Tandon writes:
- 1 x Kevin Rudd voodoo doll
- 10 x pins
- 2 x eyebrow combs
- 1 x perfume, Blow by JHo
- 1 x CD single, Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
- 1 x the “Be Fri” half of a best friend charm, the “St Ends” half is with George Bush
Steve Harding writes: It is a set of Babushka briefcases culminating in an indivisible space containing his new ideas.
Gordon Wakelin-King writes: Fantastic entries so far, but I can’t BELIEVE no-one has mentioned: the wedge and the dog-whistle.
Christopher Ridings writes: What’s in John Howard’s big black briefcase? Big black briefs, of course.
You can stop now. We’ll announce the lucky winner of a Samsonite 900 series Vanquish leather laptop briefcase in tomorrow’s edition.