So there I was on Valentine’s Day, surfing the News Ltd site, surrounded on all sides by a total lack of roses, chocolates, and fluffy toys clutching red satin hearts.

But then I came across Luke McIlveen’s blog, and my heart beat faster. “Luke McIlveen enjoys country music, rugby league, cooking and exposing the hidden agendas of radical Islam. Dislikes: Bouncers, transit police, blokes with ponytails.”

Here was a man I’d be thrilled to call my Valentine honey bunny. I hate bouncers, transit police, and blokes with ponytails. I’m not so keen on country music or rugby league, but “cooking and exposing the hidden agendas of radical Islam”? Those are my hobbies!

Physically, Luke’s not exactly every girl’s dream, but I’m not shallow. We can travel the world together, exposing the agenda of radical Islam and picking up interesting local recipes!

I thought we’d start in the Northwest Frontier Province of Pakistan. This is one of my very favourite places – Kiplingesque landscapes, mysterious bazaars, and of course, plenty of radical Islamists to expose. Bin Laden himself is likely hiding nearby, and the place is packed with Taliban supporters, jihadists, and outlawed terrorist organisations. We could expose them all.

I’ve had some hairy moments in NWFP, but with Luke by my side, radiating manliness, I need have no fear. I assumed that he’d be familiar with the area from previous such expeditions. I was getting hot and bothered just imagining him in his Pashtu disguise, so I thought I’d google him and see if I could find any pictures.

Imagine my disappointment. It turns out that Luke thinks that you can “expose the hidden agendas of radical Islam” by sitting on your backside, reading the chat forums on MuslimVillage.net, where youngsters with no friends in the real world send their poorly spelled opinions into the uncaring void that is cyberspace. The Village idiots can be pretty rude about Luke (“Puke”), because of his stories about them in the Daily Telegraph.

He “exposed” their antagonism towards the champagne drinking Iktimal Hage Ali  (before the Tele found out that she’d also been arrested in a drug bust, and dropped her). And he publicised their opinions on the Pope’s Regensburg speech, and the recent Hizb ut Tahrir conference in Sydney.

It seems as though Luke has yet to learn the difference between “exposing dangerous fanatics” and “giving free publicity to a few losers who can’t find their way to the p-rn sites and so are indulging in another form of mast-rbation”. Luke tells the Village idiots that they matter. They’re dangerous. They’re not pathetic – they’re scary!

Oh dear.

I want a Valentine cuddlemonkey who’ll go after the real bad guys. The ones who throw acid into the faces of unveiled women in Kashmir, blow up Shi’a mosques in Iraq, and threaten the lives of anyone, Muslim or non-Muslim, who stands in their way. The ones with better things to do than hang around the Muslim Village chat rooms.

I’m not about to fall for some desk-jockey who doesn’t know the difference between genuine threats to our democracy and cyber-wankery. Sorry, Luke.

Peter Fray

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