Ask your butcher to obtain a well-matured television presenter. Females are best, as they have a richer flavour. A Naomi Robson would be ideal for this dish, but if one is not available a Gretel Killeen or perhaps a Tracey Curro would be a more than adequate substitute.

Make sure the butcher trims off any excess make-up, hair extensions, false eyelashes, jewellery, khaki safari suits and the like, and have him detach the presenter from the autocue (you could attempt this yourself, but it’s a difficult operation best done by a professional.)

Toss the Naomi in plain flour seasoned with salt and pepper, brown lightly in a pan, then place in a large cauldron of boiling water outdoors over a heaped open fire. Add yams and cassava in season and simmer for five hours, stirring occasionally whilst dancing naked around the fire in war paint and cassowary feathers. It’s fun to invite friends and family to join in, chanting voodoo spells.

When cooking is complete, discard the presenter — she will still be far too tough to eat — and serve the broth with crispy hot rolls and a green salad.

Delicious!

Peter Fray

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