Diplomacy:

“Thorough airing of all the issues” – they were shouting at each other

“The talks were inconclusive” – they got nowhere and we won’t be meeting again

“Agreed to look at all the issues in depth” – they don’t even have a starting agenda

“Agreed to pursue the issue at a technical level” – it will be buried in a committee somewhere

“Agreed to broaden the agenda to encompass other matters” – Plan A didn’t work, so let’s try Plan B

“Economical with the truth” – lied through his teeth

“Caught in a compromising situation” – his wife caught him humping the maid or he was flogging military info to the Reds

Politics:

“There’s only one poll that matters.” Gosh, that last Newspoll was bad
“It’s time for generational change” – I’m younger than the guy I’m challenging
“Experience matters” – I’m older than the guy I’m challenging
“We’re going to stay the course” – we’re stuck; we can’t get out
“… is un-Australian” – I don’t agree with him/her/it
“Our research shows” – we typed a few words into Google and plagiarised other people
“Our research indicates” – we talked among ourselves and agreed it’s a good idea
“I’m
resigning to spend time with my family” – I’m leaving now to minimise
the damage to my party when my embezzling scandal drops next week

Business:

“We’re long term investors” – we’d like to sell but can’t find anyone to take it off our hands
“Our people are our most important asset” – we pay our people far too much
“Management initiated separation” – sacked

Journalism:

“Controversial” – I don’t agree with it but since I’m a journalist I’m not supposed to express my personal opinion
“Many observers think” – I think
“Informed speculation suggests” – I think
“Leichardt is booming” – I just bought in Leichardt so I want property values to go up there
“Leichardt
is the white hot epicentre” – I just bought in Leichardt and I have a
massive mortgage so I really want property values to go up there
“Locked in crisis talks” – talking, or maybe not
“Tragedy” – anything we think will sell a ton of newspapers or advertising
“Three minutes to midnight” – still talking, or maybe not
“Talks dragged on for a third day” – still talking, or maybe not
“Talks broke down” – not still talking, or maybe they are
“Grim faced” – didn’t stop and pose for our cameraman
“Sources who refused to be named for fear of losing their jobs” – I couldn’t find a source so I made it up
“Bubbly” – stupid
“Bubbly and fun loving” – stupid, got drunk at a party, seen on the dance floor waving her knickers above her head
“Statuesque” – big-boned
“Hairdresser to the stars” – coke addict, owns a powerboat
“Intense” – sociopath
“Driven” – sociopath
“Ambitious” – sociopath but conceals it well
“Dreamer” – impractical
“Visionary” – impractical, big spender
“Passionate” – obsessive
“Quirky” – weirdo
“Eccentric” – weirdo, probably serial killer
“Charismatic” – obsessive
“Rumpled” – dresses badly, smells, suspicious food stains on clothes

CRIKEY: And the full doublespeak list is up on the website here.

Peter Fray

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