We laughed when we saw Crikey’s political crew was attempting to pull together a punter’s guide to political media doublespeak.
Clearly sport, and especially the various football codes, have mastered this
art. In no particular order, here’s how to translate the sports
quotes coming soon to a TV, radio or PC near you:

“We’re not using injuries as an excuse, but it
was certainly hard for some of our youngsters out there on the park today.” – Yep, we’re using injuries as an
excuse.

“We don’t see this as a setback,
but rather as another challenge to be met.” – Losing our best eight players to
injury and suspension basically means we’re stuffed.

“Bluey and I don’t have a problem.
There’s no issue between Bluey and myself.” – Hide the knives if these two are
in the same postcode.

“We’re really excited by the crop
of young kids we’ve got coming through.” – Wow, we’ve found three blokes who
can actually run!

“We’ve had a terrific pre-season.” – We had a terrible last season.

“We’re fitter than we’ve ever
been.” – That’s not saying much. We’ve
never really been fit at all.

“Smithy’s just got a little
niggle, he should be fine this week.” – Condolences to Smithy’s family,
as he passed away two days ago.

“The coach has the full support of
the Board.” – He’s dead meat.

“The players are just lacking a
bit of confidence at the moment.” – We’ve all been forced to face the
unavoidable truth … we’re cr*p.

“Look, I’m a big believer in ‘what
happens on the field stays on the field’.” – “We know our fans will be bleeding
after a loss like that” – More importantly, our sponsors
will be putting away their chequebooks.

“We have a great respect for the
traditions of this game (or club)” – especially those that we can
monetise in some way.

“Certainly we respect [name of
opponent], but we don’t fear them.” – We haven’t got a hope in hell of
beating them but we can’t say so.

“We’d like to apologise to
our fans. We owe them better than that.” – God, membership turnover might
suffer here.

“I’m The Man. I told you I was The
Man and I proved it.” – Sh*t, I actually won!

Did we miss any? Feel free
to add to the list by emailing us at [email protected]