The crypto crime correspondents known to Crikey as the Kooka Bros write:

We
could be churlish and ask why it was that “Fat Tony” Mokbel was given
three keys to his cell in the first place, but we will cut to the chase.

Fat
Tony, boss of the Sunshine Scum gang and national drug overlord, was
today sentenced to 12 years jail at the Victorian Supreme Court, but he
failed
to put himself at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. He was busying himself
elsewhere. Perhaps settling into his new location and new identity
(plastic surgery is such a time-consuming, messy business and at the
end
of the day you end up looking like Sam Newman).

“Thin” Fat
Tony (he could have had the stomach stapled extra) has been on the run
for ten days now and so far, so good. He’s a lot better off than
Charles “Pappy” Taylor, the Liberian war criminal who lasted only
24-hours on the run before being picked up by an alert border guard
last night. Nigerian police say Taylor, who wore no disguise, was
arrested carrying huge amounts of US dollars in a grey Land Rover while
trying to flee across the border from Nigeria into Cameroon.

Mokbel,
like Taylor, will also have large amounts of US dollars on him. Taylor
had a bullet-proof vest and we advise all travelling members of the
Sunshine Scum gang to purchase these practical garments and wear them
at all times.

Now, Taylor was a pretty evil chap who has the
blood of some 300,000 West Africans on his hands. His crimes will be
punished by the United Nations. He will not get bail.

We reckon Mokbel is pretty evil as well. He sells party drugs and heroin to our kids. He’s having a laugh…

The
word on Lygon Street is that he is in deepest darkest hiding and that
is just a matter of time before he a) leaves the country b) is caught
and smacked by the Carlton Crew or c) is caught by Mr Plod and conveyed
to Barwon Prison for the term of his natural life. He is obviously easier to
assassinate on the run than in the slammer. The Carlton Crew like to
catch and kill their own, and they will get him in the end for the hit
on Mario Condello. Steve Bracks and Christine Nixon don’t want him
assassinated in their state before the November election, so would be
delighted if it could happen elsewhere.

Victoria Police
Assistant Commissioner Simon Overland said today Mokbel would be found
and jailed for his crimes: “Give up, because we will find you. You can
spend five years on the run, but we will find you eventually and we
will bring you back to face justice. I hope he’s listening, because
Tony, if you are, give yourself up mate, we’re going to catch you”.

As you are no doubt aware, it is much easier to leave Oz than to arrive in it.

The Kookas reckon he took the scenic “Andrew Landeryou” route via China to Damascus. What we don’t know is where The Age got this magnificent purple prose from yesterday:

Sprawled across gaudy satin bedsheets, Melbourne
millionaire Antonios “Tony” Mokbel suffers with a smile after a
hard-lived night with two high-class prostitutes. The snoring wreckage
is the aftermath of a final hit-out by a self-indulgent, belligerent
criminal who had good reason to party hard. He was due that morning,
March 20, at the Supreme Court for the continuation of his cocaine
trial, and a day later he’d be behind bars – imprisoned in Acacia,
Barwon Prison’s harsh maximum security unit, to await the jury’s
verdict.

It’s brilliant copy but did they make it up?

Peter Fray

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