Performing background: entire family addicted to karaoke

Child star: sang at a primary school concert

Classically trained: had piano/ballet lessons at least until year 9

Classical background: mother had piano/ballet lessons at least until year 9

Subtle: boring

Minimalist: so boring the reviewer went to sleep

Challenging: boring but with lots of swearing and shouting

Obscure: incomprehensible

Mercurial: director/star too drunk/stoned/out of it to make it to any of the first four scheduled interviews

Pays homage to: copies

Shades of: copies

Reminiscent of: copies

Original: looks/sounds vaguely familiar but reviewer too drunk/stoned/out of it to make the connection

Startlingly original: reviewer pretty sure he’s never read/seen/heard it before even when sober

A telling indictment: serious new production which agrees with reviewer’s politics

Missed opportunity: serious new production which doesn’t agree with reviewer’s politics

The new David Williamson: any playwright who writes about Sydney and bags Melbourne

Popular: lowbrow

Beautifully crafted: intelligible and has nice sets

Visual delight: nice costumes, crap production

Promising: needs work

Premature: needs lots of work

Ensemble cast: five soapie stars in second-rate revival

Observational: mind-numbingly tedious new production exploring the dramatic possibilities of the supermarket checkout

Renowned: reviewer’s mates have heard of him

Celebrated: has won an award for something somewhere

Sequel: cinematic one-hit wonder re-made with talking dog and Sandra Bullock