Safe in their bunker deep in the bowels of Gareth’s Taj Mahal, Crikey’s special correspondents, Defence and Foreign Affairs watcher Bertie Bunker-Buster gives his spin the latest crisis of truth facing John Howard after his poisoned election victory.

Yes, it’s been a bad week for the Prime Miniature. The truth about the lies has caught up with him sooner than he expected. And to make matters worse, the poor little sports-tragic has had to sit through the ignominy of his cricket captain being sacked. Oh dear, it’s just one tragedy after another! How will the devoted Janette-baby rescue his sorry little backside from this one?

Reith In Deep Doo-Doo

If our favourite ex-Defence Minister thought for a moment he was going to retire quietly to the Mornington Peninsula, along with all his Liberal mates, on his huge indexed pension, plus of course his ‘consultant’s fees’ from Tennix, then he’s sadly mistaken. There are many here in Canberra who will rub their hands together with sheer unadulterated glee if that particular polly is dragged screaming before a Senate investigative committee. Oh, yes, indeed; you could make a fortune if you were selling seats in the gallery to interested parties. Bertie will be watching this one from the front row, so to speak.

CHOGM To Be A Big Distraction

You can bet that our pressurised Prime Miniature can’t wait for CHOGM to happen. It will provide him with a convenient distraction. He’ll gag all debate on domestic matters while Her Maj is here, trying desperately to give himself some breathing space. Even at this late stage it’s not absolutely certain that Betty Windsor will be attending something to do with sickness in the family, I believe but you can bet the flunkeys are working on a massive program of grovelling as we speak. All under painful scrutiny of our self-important Madame Hyacinth, of course. Still, by the time, ‘Honest John’ gets to shake hands with despots like Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, they’ll have a lot in common to talk about things like corrupt election practices, lying to the people, suppression of the truth and spying on the citizenry. Bertie will be watching that one with considerable interest as well. Bertie hears there might even be a Crikey special on the Royal visit; might even contribute to that one myself, you know.

Anyway, chaps, must toodle-oo; can’t have Uncle Max (that’s Max Moore-Wilton) rush into the office and find Bertie doing a Crikey column in the government’s time, can we? Although I do suspect old Max is probably to busy at this moment preparing a statement of some kind in consultation with some learned silk.

Wot Ho, Chaps! The truth will out!

Yours from the bunker, Bertie