Hillary has attracted all sorts with her Pauline Hanson competition and also demonstrated that we’ve attracted a few loony readers ourselves.

Crikey readers have offered a remarkable range of suggestion to help Pauline maintain her megalomania and expel David Oldfield from the board One Nation Pty Ltd.

It’s hard leading a far right party. Everyone wants to be Fuhrer – so the party splinters and falls apart. Where’s the Confederation Action Party today? (Probably all in the City/Country Alliance or back in the Nats, but the question was really rhetorical.)

Your ideas, dear readers, will give Ms Hanson and One National a whole new lease of life. Such a pity so many of them were defamatory and can’t be printed here.

Here’s Hillary’s favourite and the first prize winner:

For someone so full of shit as David Oldfield obviously is, I presume he must wear some sort of mechanical device, such as a anal cork, to stop the contents from spilling out. I think, therefore, Pauline should, carefully, remove this cork if it exists. The sudden release of built up hot air and pent up ambitions should result in David Oldfield imploding in upon himself and disappearing up his own arse.

Job done and problem fixed!

Second prize – and definitely an award for effort – has to go to the following:

Top Ten Ways for Pauline to Oust Oldfield

1. Use her considerable clout with Fed Gov to have Oldfield appointed to Reconciliation Council.

2. Disguise herself as a bush holding a big mirror and retreat to the Sydney Heads, leading Oldfield over a cliff.

3. Hold a presser to congratulate Oldfield on his appointment as Chief Marshal of the Gay Mardi Gras.

4. Release the Report: Stolen Generation II – “The Oldfield took my baby”.

5. Fake media release from Oldfield’s office accusing senior foreign affairs officials of being communists.

6. Fake subsequent media releases from Oldfield’soffice saying that “Aussie Tat” is an ugly communist.

7. Change the locks on office door?

8. Accuse Oldfield of unauthorised use of Mad Monk’s MP’s phone card.

9. Has anyone ever seen Charlie Perkins and David Oldfield in the same place at the same time? No? Please explain.

10. Arsenic and old lace.

Third prize goes to this valiant effort:

Comrade, could I suggest that poor Ms Hanson could attempt to remove Oldfield by having Yothu Yindi piped through to his office on continuous loop? “Treaty yair…”

Honourable mentions to the following:

Given the gold medal performance in shooting by Australia, and One Nation’s avowed hatred of gun control, Pauline should offer David as a target for shooting practice. He should last all of 10 seconds.

Given Beazley’s economic policies and One Nation’s are so similar, perhaps Kim could do a take-over and then sack the current Board including Oldfield. I’m not sure where this would leave Pauline as the ALP already has Lawrence and Kernot.

David should be sent on a fact-finding tour of other right wing groups in Europe. Many of them would regard him as a communist or illegal alien and string him up.

Perhaps the best way to get Oldfield out of Pauline’s hair is to have Little Johhny appoint him as Special Minister for RARA telephone communications – it’s a win-win scenario for all concerned!

Employ Noel Pearson as the Company’s Internal Auditor. He probably would not want much.

Even One Nation loons joined in the fun, as these two efforts showed:

Simply get the Liberal party to call him home, the Libs put him into One Nation to damage and destroy it, he has now completely succeeded.


Change focus away from Oldfield. Write him off as opportunistic corrupt ex-Liberal clone. It is he who is “History.” Gently remind public of this theme but don’t waste time on him. There is too much to do to re-finance and restructure. Then will come the old battle with the press barons as soon as PH is seen to be a potent and much-needed voice against the big end of town . Concentrate on letting the public know PH will be doing battle again!! Public support will surely follow her positive actions.

Who knows? Hillary’s next competition might be “Think up a really stupid conspiracy theory”. These lads seem to already be putting a lot of time and effort into their training.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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