Crikey has managed to smuggle this from under little johns pillow. He has a rather large collection of these and we thought he wouldn’t miss this one.
The Old Country
Dear Little Johnny,
We were pleased to receive your most recent missives from the colonies. One was a tad exhausted after Our trip down there last month, but it is important to keep up appearances even in the most far-flung corners of the globe where the Union Jack is still flown. Inddeed, Orstralia is one of the few places where We are still welcomed with much affection at all. We were only remarking to Phillip the other day that it’s just like stepping back into the 1950’s when we visit you Johnny, but We are all getting on now, much like the crowds you so thoughtfully turned out of their nursing homes to see us. We remember that nice Mr Menzies chap because he always had such nice things to say about Us.
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We are all SO excited about your upcoming visit to Us here At Home, and We know you can’t wait to be here to discover your roots, so to speak, in the Home Country. We recall you talking endlessly about it duting Our trip. Won’t it be such fun to attend endless garden parties and cocktail parties at the Orstalian taxpayers’ expense! You know, of course that this wretched Blair fellow has cut One’s allowances back to the bare bone and entertaining is not like it used to be. We look forward to you entertaining us lavishly in the style to which We have become accustomed, not to mention re-stocking the gin cellar of course. We hear you are bringing quite an entourage of obsequious flunkies and followers for the big bash, including marching bands and a shedful of ex-PMs. Jolly fun, what! Although, We do hope you are not bringing that awful screeching Kerry Jones woman with you; she is a bit hard to take for too long – and she needs to get her teeth fixed, poor woman! Also, Johnny, We should advise you that you should be prepared for some changes. Yes, We are thinking about the future of the Empire and have decided to move with the times. Be prepared to meet your future Queen, Camilla. You know her, Charlie’s Friend. She takes a bit of getting used to, but We are sure that the colonies and the Orstralians in particular will warm to her eventually. (Just pausing here to have Phil fefill the gin decanter before We go on.)
Now just one thing before We finish. Are you sure this is an appropriate time for you to be out of Orstalia? We understand there is quite a deal of angst going on about some new tax system you are introducing (Don’t talk about taxes to Us! We know how it hurts!) We are also concerned that there have been a number of rumbings and discontent in some of the smaller colonies, coups or something nasty like that? We are relying on you to keep order and discipline among the colonies down there. Can’t have these chaps burning down each others’ grass huts etcetera, especially after We’ve handed out knighthoods to some of them. Do you think you could send some gunboats or some troops; wave the flag a little to staedy things down? Send along that splendid chap from Timor, Shawgrove or whoever and We’ll be grateful as We don’t have any troops out in your part of the world any more after Singapore; frightfully embarrassing, what?
Well, Johnny, that’s about enough for the moment. We await your arrival, by QANTAS We presume, with some trepidation. Do try and keep a lid on the domestic situation before you leave and We’ll all have a gay old time here at Buck House at your expense! Bottoms up!
…with a little help from Dan