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IS got you down? Worried about the future of media? Ask Sam de Brito!

Want to know what to think about the rise of the Islamic State? Should America withdraw from the policy spheres of other nations, or will that give rise to more brutality? Ask Sam de Brito, Fairfax’s everyman, who will give you the answers you need, with the sex advice you don’t.

Fairfax’s most-favoured columnist is branching out. Here he answers the tough questions about the world that you want to know.

Dear Sam,
I was opposed to the Iraq War and still believe that it was a disaster that caused the current turmoil. Yet seeing the murderousness of the Islamic State, I’m in a quandary about whether we should support bombing raids in the area to prevent further slaughter. Your thoughts?
 — Frightened,  Pymble

Sam says: Truth is, I’ve never had many complaints from the ladies, as far as getting them off is concerned. Maybe they were just being polite or maybe I know something other blokes don’t, but I’ve never had any problems in getting them squealing, and not because they were being besieged by a violent Sunni insurgency, if you know what I mean! Hope that answers your question.

Dear Sam,
Like many boomers, I gained a free education which allowed me to get a good life, while also studying at my leisure. I’d hate to deny my children and grandchildren that, yet it seems we must do something to reduce this deficit. But how can we do that in a way that shares the burden? Is higher taxation the answer?

 — Confused, Northcote

Sam says: Of course I’m not saying there’s no technique involved. I think my close to 100% ring-the-bell ratio has a lot to do with the fact that I really love the ladies as soulful beings, and they get my deep spiritual learning, from Deepak Chopra to Bradley Trevor Greive. Taxing? Taxing is two hours of mouth-music down there, if you know what I mean! Hope that answers your question.

Dear Sam,
We seem to live on an increasingly unstable planet.  I can’t help but feel that the withdrawal of the United States from key regions of the world has been too much, too soon. Were the conservatives right? Was the USA a force for good in a world now heading for anarchy?
 — Wavering, Glenelg

Sam says: Trying to arbitrate between a realpolitik multilateral approach and attempts to establish a liberal internationalist regime of interest-transcending norms undergirded by Atlanticist power is a real head-scratcher. All I can really offer by way of explanation is this: most women in my presence have orgasms. Not just in the sack either. We’re talking elevators, the express lane at Red Rooster and the investiture of a new Coptic Pope. Walking down the north end of Chapel Street the other day to get my spirulina exercise drink and some more smooth jazz CDs, I thought, “maybe I should donate myself to medical science or something”. True fact: Obama wants me to go to Russia and give Putin orgasms. For world peace. I’d do it too. I’m not gay, but I am a patriot. Hope that answers your question.

Dear Sam,
I’m the executive of a disastrously run, once-great media company, pulling in an annual seven-figure scratch while we close foreign bureaux and run barista reviews and Wonderland recaps. Now I’m getting our bimbo lifestyle columnist to write global think pieces. All I hear around me at the office are deep groans. What’s going on?
Not-Greg Bllllrrywood, Media House, no, Somewhere Else

Sam says: Sounds like you got the touch, not-Greg. I’d take that to the bank, if you know what I mean. BTW, where’s NATO on this map you gave me? Is it near France? Hope you can answer my question. The only thing I can usually find is the ladies’ pleasure butto- (contd).

 — as told to Leon Gillingham

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  • 1
    Teresa Pitt
    Posted Tuesday, 26 August 2014 at 2:41 pm | Permalink

    Dear Sam
    I have always been a great fan of your often thoughtful and sensitive, and always interesting, weekend column in the Age. So I turned to this Crikey column with considerable interest, only to be increasingly appalled as I read on. Is this supposed to be funny? I am completely flabbergasted at this cheap and tacky (and sexist) attempt at humour, which is totally unworthy of you. What has possessed you? Not only is it unworthy of you, it is also unworthy of Crikey. In fact, it is disgusting. Please, please, do not continue in this vein or I will never subscribe to Crikey again.

  • 2
    Scott
    Posted Tuesday, 26 August 2014 at 3:09 pm | Permalink

    Calm it down Teresa…look at the byline will you.

    This is a pretty poor attempt at satire by Leon Gillingham; obviously shocked that the Age is publishing the opinion pieces of a 40 something everyman on diverse topics.

  • 3
    Brian Williams
    Posted Tuesday, 26 August 2014 at 3:47 pm | Permalink

    Ok - it’s a pretty weak attempt at satire, but he’s not wrong about the “bimbo lifestyle columnist….writing….global think pieces”. They are embarrassing to read on most occasions.

  • 4
    Matt Barbetti
    Posted Tuesday, 26 August 2014 at 4:01 pm | Permalink

    I just found this confusing. Me no get.

  • 5
    paddy
    Posted Tuesday, 26 August 2014 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

    Crikey does lots of things quite well.
    But humour is not looking like its strong suit of late.

  • 6
    paddy
    Posted Tuesday, 26 August 2014 at 4:08 pm | Permalink

    Except, of course, when it unleashes Guy Rundle.

  • 7
    Scott
    Posted Tuesday, 26 August 2014 at 4:22 pm | Permalink

    No more embarrassing to read than the musings of Peter Fitzsimons, who uses his “boofhead” column on a Saturday and Sunday to have a go at

    - Monarchists
    - Current Flag Supporters
    - Catholics/Christians (I’m surprised his constant references to “sky daddy” and the like don’t invite some sort of censure)
    - The NRL’s concussion policy
    - Anyone who plays the Wallabies.

    At the end of the day, these columns are popular to the core readership (especially when the opinion is a common one).
    My advice; Just step over the rubbish on your way to ANOTHER opinion piece by The Australian Institute and try not to get any common-man juice on you.

  • 8
    Dennis Bauer
    Posted Tuesday, 26 August 2014 at 4:28 pm | Permalink

    Good stuff Crikey I am having a good laugh, maybe in a hundred years time some other species will joke that the humans all got too serious and destroyed themselves. Ever stop to think that the Battle of Britain was won because of the common English humour at the time, the ability to have a good laugh at ourselves in time of extreme adversity,(hope that’s the right word, not to good with these English words)
    dennis

  • 9
    wormwoodscrubs
    Posted Tuesday, 26 August 2014 at 4:52 pm | Permalink

    Having read de Brito’s column on his own sexual prowess, I found this really funny. “…the investiture of a new Coptic Pope” — priceless

  • 10
    Ben Lipman
    Posted Wednesday, 27 August 2014 at 1:06 pm | Permalink

    Bad enough you lost First Dog, but it’s insult to injury that we have to read through the failed memes of Dept Of Australia in the name of satire, let alone this shit.
    It’s got one joke to it, a joke wasn’t that funny to begin with, and that most reading had already made back when de Brio first started writing on these topics.
    Maybe it would work, except de Brito hasn’t yet shat the bed when it comes to his (rather vanilla) columns outside of his expertise, and can write funnier than this.

  • 11
    AR
    Posted Wednesday, 27 August 2014 at 4:50 pm | Permalink

    Satire is only worth the effort when the subject is.
    In this case FAIL/FAIL.

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