Want to know what to think about the rise of the Islamic State? Should America withdraw from the policy spheres of other nations, or will that give rise to more brutality? Ask Sam de Brito, Fairfax’s everyman, who will give you the answers you need, with the sex advice you don’t.
Fairfax’s most-favoured columnist is branching out. Here he answers the tough questions about the world that you want to know.
Dear Sam, I was opposed to the Iraq War and still believe that it was a disaster that caused the current turmoil. Yet seeing the murderousness of the Islamic State, I’m in a quandary about whether we should support bombing raids in the area to prevent further slaughter. Your thoughts? — Frightened, Pymble
Sam says: Truth is, I’ve never had many complaints from the ladies, as far as getting them off is concerned. Maybe they were just being polite or maybe I know something other blokes don’t, but I’ve never had any problems in getting them squealing, and not because they were being besieged by a violent Sunni insurgency, if you know what I mean! Hope that answers your question.
Like many boomers, I gained a free education which allowed me to get a good life, while also studying at my leisure. I’d hate to deny my children and grandchildren that, yet it seems we must do something to reduce this deficit. But how can we do that in a way that shares the burden? Is higher taxation the answer? — Confused, Northcote
Sam says: Of course I’m not saying there’s no technique involved. I think my close to 100% ring-the-bell ratio has a lot to do with the fact that I really love the ladies as soulful beings, and they get my deep spiritual learning, from Deepak Chopra to Bradley Trevor Greive. Taxing? Taxing is two hours of mouth-music down there, if you know what I mean! Hope that answers your question.
Dear Sam, We seem to live on an increasingly unstable planet. I can’t help but feel that the withdrawal of the United States from key regions of the world has been too much, too soon. Were the conservatives right? Was the USA a force for good in a world now heading for anarchy? — Wavering, Glenelg
Sam says: Trying to arbitrate between a realpolitik multilateral approach and attempts to establish a liberal internationalist regime of interest-transcending norms undergirded by Atlanticist power is a real head-scratcher. All I can really offer by way of explanation is this: most women in my presence have orgasms. Not just in the sack either. We’re talking elevators, the express lane at Red Rooster and the investiture of a new Coptic Pope. Walking down the north end of Chapel Street the other day to get my spirulina exercise drink and some more smooth jazz CDs, I thought, “maybe I should donate myself to medical science or something”. True fact: Obama wants me to go to Russia and give Putin orgasms. For world peace. I’d do it too. I’m not gay, but I am a patriot. Hope that answers your question.
Dear Sam, I’m the executive of a disastrously run, once-great media company, pulling in an annual seven-figure scratch while we close foreign bureaux and run barista reviews and Wonderland recaps. Now I’m getting our bimbo lifestyle columnist to write global think pieces. All I hear around me at the office are deep groans. What’s going on? Not-Greg Bllllrrywood, Media House, no, Somewhere Else
Sam says: Sounds like you got the touch, not-Greg. I’d take that to the bank, if you know what I mean. BTW, where’s NATO on this map you gave me? Is it near France? Hope you can answer my question. The only thing I can usually find is the ladies’ pleasure butto- (contd).