tip off

La ora na, Clive

There’s a new late-night TV act that leaves Leno, Letterman, Conan and certainly Vizard for dead; a comedy duo unmatched, dare we say, since the glory days of Laurel and Hardy. It’s the Clive and Tony show.

There was Clive Palmer again last night, beaming in from sunny Papeete with a lei around his neck — “Ia ora na from Tahiti Nui,” the big man said, grinning — to continue his now regular Lateline chatter with the man he describes as “Australia’s number one journalist”, Tony Jones. Talk about chemistry.

Tony, ever the straight man, rebuffs the praise and tries valiantly to ask the tough questions. But Clive is too busy clowning around. Which seat is he going to run in? “The seat of Kennedy and maybe the seat of Fairfax.” Right, so why Kennedy all of a sudden? “Many polls, they’ve had me as the most popular north Queenslander.” Huh. What happened to taking on Wayne Swan in Lilley? “I listened to what Tony Abbott said. He said, ‘Clive, don’t stand for Lilley. I don’t want you to stand for Lilley.’ And of course I didn’t stand for Lilley because I respect my leader.” Right. So will you toe the LNP line? “I’m prepared to influence the national debate and the debate in the Liberal Party.” Aren’t you just going to buy your way into Parliament? “Can you deny my rights as a citizen of Australia just because I’ve been successful in life, it hasn’t been my fault.” No, I suppose not.

Then there was this claim: “I know that Tony Abbott said some things about door knocking being important and it is. I’ve door knocked on more than four million doors since 1969.” We reckon he would have had to hit 191 doors a day, 365 days a year, to amass that tally.

Comedy gold.

There’s only one thing better than the Clive and Tony show — the delicious prospect of Palmer taking on Kennedy King Bob Katter at the next election. We can’t wait.

34
  • 1
    The Pav
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 1:21 pm | Permalink

    4,000, ooo doors since 1969.

    Well my maths is:- 4M /43 years = 93,000 door per year.

    52 week means about 1788 doors per week or over seven days 255 per day.

    If we assume 5 minutes per door then that’s 1275 minutes per day door knocking.

    In a 24 hour period there are 24 x 60 minutes = 1440 minutes.

    Say what Clive is saying is that he has for 43 years door knocked for 88.5% of his time.

    That he has used the remaining 165 minutes ( little less than three hours ) for sleeping, eating fornicating and business.

    One would assume that as door knocking involves walking he would have burnt a lot of calories therefore to get the size he is would require him to consume enormous amounts of calaries which takes time.

    This guy is a legend, a type of superman. To achieve what he has makes is a miracle. Lets vote him dictator for life with Calvin as his Grand Vizier.

    Althernatively Australia’s supine journalist could grow a pair and call him out

  • 2
    Bill Hilliger
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 1:45 pm | Permalink

    @THE PAV: Yes, since that statement; and true to form, I didn’t hear any journalist say: Clive that’s unbelievable! Little wonder that most thinking people no longer see a reason to pay for the lightweight media that is on offer in Australia. The secret is do your own maths and write as you did.

  • 3
    Doug from Parkdale
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 1:50 pm | Permalink

    If Clive Palmer has doorknocked 4 million homes, shouldn’t he be a lot thinner?

  • 4
    The Pav
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 1:50 pm | Permalink

    Bill

    I suspect that many jounalists are incapable of doing a little quick mental maths .

    They need an F7 button for maths

    For example how often do you hear the phrase” Ten times less……..”

    Err……… how can something be more ( ie times) and less at the same time.

    Perhaps they mean one tenth.

    My theory is they are so wound up to ask their clever questions they don’t listen to the answers

  • 5
    khtagh
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 1:51 pm | Permalink

    It was funny how through the entire interview all Clive Hutt Palmer said was how much money he had spent here & given to them & paid for their holidays, donated to this council, that group, but he is not! buying his way into politics, honest, just listen to him.

    The PAV maybe the CIA did some for him.

  • 6
    The diving swan
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 1:51 pm | Permalink

    Yes my arithmetic was the same - 291 houses a day with no allowance for the extra Leap Year days. Obviously any assumption that Mr Palmer lingered after he knocked on the door is wrong. Presumably in a display of hi jinks he has knocked and immediately scarpered. Although you would have thought someone would have noticed him leaving, wouldn’t you?

  • 7
    zut alors
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 1:58 pm | Permalink

    Yes, the 4,000,000 figure is farcical. Nevertheless he remains well ahead of Mr Rabbott in the credibility stakes.

    In general members of the Liberal Party appear to suffer from arithmetic deficiencies.

  • 8
    klewso
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 1:59 pm | Permalink

    Gina wants three seats, why can’t Clive have two?

    That “4 million” : surely Clive’s having a lend of our media - with their “money talks religion”. I thought Jones could have asked how he kept score?

  • 9
    The Pav
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 2:02 pm | Permalink

    If we assume each door was knocked on three times then that means he must have done 12,000,000 knocks.

    Clive must have a skin the size of a Rhino as well as the build

  • 10
    khtagh
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    @Klewso
    They don’t want them , they need! them, neither can fit in one chair anymore.

  • 11
    Andrew McIntosh
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 2:18 pm | Permalink

    He’s a national treasure.

  • 12
    Madonna Airey
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 3:27 pm | Permalink

    By Crikey I love this time of day….who knows what the postman will deliver?
    I’d like to know whose selling front row seats in the Palmer v. Katter 2013 challenge - that is, if Mr Palmer is serious about running as a LNP candidate in the seat of Kennedy. No doubt Mr Katter will have something to say about that proposition.

    just saying… in regards to comments regarding the size of Mr Palmer - he’s reportedly losing weight. This means in the future people will no longer be able to use fat barbs to jab him anymore…

  • 13
    The Pav
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 3:56 pm | Permalink

    I just find it is curious that Palmer is making all this huff & puff.

    Is it to direct attention away from his businesses?

    Perhaps Clive ain’t as wealthy as he likes to claim?

    I’ve seen it before “entrepeneurs” in the final stage of the cycle suddenly become larger than life to paper over cracks in an empire that is nearing collapse.

  • 14
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 4:27 pm | Permalink

    Clive for Canberra?

  • 15
    Hugh (Charlie) McColl
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 4:51 pm | Permalink

    There’s no doubt Clive Palmer is popular in NQ - his Yabulu nickel treatment plant on the outskirts of Townsville employs about 1,000 people, imports around 4m tonnes of ore per year through the Port of Townsville and consumes mega quantities of chemicals, coal and other fuels and a whole catchment of groundwater. It’s a real shame that Mr Palmer’s industrial plant is not quite located within the seat of Kennedy - which almost completely surrounds it. The Queensland Nickel plant is actually located in Liberal Ewen Jones’s Townsville seat of Herbert - where Clive definitely would not be pre-selected for the LNP. The very large tailings dams on the low-lying woodlands and wetlands between the plant and the nearby Saunders Beach shoreline will permanently be the responsibility of the people of Queensland whose various governments of the last 40 years invited the behemoth (the plant not the man) to spread itself around. Clive bought it for peanuts from BHP who didn’t want to sully their landscape disfiguring and ocean polluting record (any further), and now he’s driving it hard towards a flexing use-by date. While he’s allowed to get away with it, Mr Palmer is making millions at Yabulu. He wants to dump suitably diluted tailings water (which even he admits is dodgy and toxic) in the Great Barrier Reef Marine Park so that the industrial process can continue a little bit longer before it all comes to a screaming halt - a rusting dinosaur fully surrounded by its own dumped spoil.
    Anyway, Bob Katter will still probably eat him.

  • 16
    fractious
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 5:13 pm | Permalink

    @ THE PAVE

    Well my maths is:- 4M /43 years = 93,000 door per year.

    52 week means about 1788 doors per week or over seven days 255 per day.

    If we assume 5 minutes per door then that’s 1275 minutes per day door knocking.

    In a 24 hour period there are 24 x 60 minutes = 1440 minutes.

    Say what Clive is saying is that he has for 43 years door knocked for 88.5% of his time.

    That he has used the remaining 165 minutes ( little less than three hours ) for sleeping, eating fornicating and business.

    Nope, he spent the 165 minutes travelling between doors. Unless he knocked on the same door 255 times a day (which could get a bit irritating, unless it was his own - well he was out so he could hardly have been annoyed about it). Then again, if it was one of those inner city federation houses with a shared front path and two front doors next to each other I suppose he could have knocked two at the same time…

  • 17
    The Pav
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 5:22 pm | Permalink

    Dear Fractious,

    I was trying to be charitable. The five minutes was including travel time.

    By any measure his statement was incredibly stupid. So much so I suspect it was a ‘leg pull” to see how much he could get away with.

    It would appear that the Australian media is as gullible as it is possible to be.

    I think I will direct a few Nigerian Banking emails to them. Pretty sure they wouldn’t see through that as well.

  • 18
    fractious
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 6:07 pm | Permalink

    The Pav

    I was trying to be charitable. The five minutes was including travel time.”

    I know, I know, and how Clive needs charity. Thing is, if we assume 2mins chit-chat/ door knock that only leaves 3mins travel between doors. Now I don’t know about you but most houses west of say Lithgow (insert your state’s equivalent) have bl00dy long driveways and are - selfishly - often several hundred yards (if not miles) apart. All that winding along dirt roads and missing driveways and opening and closing gates takes me what seems to be an eon. If Clive is telling the truth (and who am I to say other) and assuming he is not capable of travelling a parsec in 5 years or so, then it would appear he is much more concerned with the views of city dwellers than he is those who live out in the sticks. Which is at odds with his repeated pronouncements about how much time he spends with farmers and rural communities and whatnot.

  • 19
    colin skene
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 6:14 pm | Permalink

    Isn’t this Palmer buffoon a national living treasure? Or some such other awardee?? Please tell me my memory is failing me.

  • 20
    The Pav
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 6:17 pm | Permalink

    Dear Fractious,

    Just did a Google for the population for Qld.

    The answer 4,603,505.

    Now 4M is about over 86% of the poulation ( closer to another number but as acricketer it is the number that cannot be mentioned.

    Now I know at any given second population varies but if you average 2 people per household then Clive has claimed to have spoken to everybody in Queensland. Either that or he’s spoken to the same one an awful lot.

    So are there any Crikey readers out there in Queensland who have had the joy of a visit from Clive?

  • 21
    The Pav
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 6:31 pm | Permalink

    Dear Colin

    I think the answer is yes and no.

    I think he’s a Queensland National Treasure but the National Treasure National body rejected it on a national basis but Queensland National still stuck with their opinion so in Queensland he’s national treasure but not nationally.

    Quiet simple really. Sir Humphrey wouldn’t have a problem with it.

    For mine I find it a bit weird that Queensland regards itself as a nation when they’re a sate but then that’s how it is. Afterall isn’t there a National Gallery of Victoria.

    I know if I had a choice of national monuments I know which one I would pick.

    Of cousre it maybe that there’s a problem in translation. Maybe he’s not a Queenslanf=d National treature just the person whohas got the most of Queensland’s National Treasure. And jolly well done I say so!

    As the article says ..endless comedy here. Clive is literally the biggest joke in Australia

  • 22
    Cuppa
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 6:55 pm | Permalink

    New post at watchdog blog, The ABC Has Gone To Hell

    ABC poster boy: Clive Palmer
    http://www.abcgonetohell.net/post/26540819082/abc-poster-boy-clive-palmer

  • 23
    AR
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 8:13 pm | Permalink

    As with his jolly jape, at a crucial electoral moment, of a Green/CIA/Smersh connection, it just demonstrates how incurious and lacking in ability are the general run of journalists.
    Not to mention innumerate (as I have too often in these threads) but, hey they’re mostly 2nd or 3rd class BAs and probably barely managed General maths at GSC.
    More to the point why would Clive challenge the Mad Katter, it makes no sense when he clearly has a well founded animus towards the MM. It wouldn’t just be coz he knows how to hook dumbos, would it?
    I think PAV might have pinged it - amazing how often a BRW Rich Listing is a pre-bankruptcy warning.

  • 24
    Gratton Wilson
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 8:30 pm | Permalink

    Everybody so busy analysing Clive Palmer’s silly remarks but why doesn’t anyone analise Tony Abbott’s, Joe Hockey’s and Scot Morrison’s rantings, they are equally as irrational, perhaps even more so than Clive. Joe’s “Oscar” performance in aid of protection of young refugees would have been hilarious if it weren’t for the fact that young refugees are seriously at risk in camps in this part of the world and his party consistently describes them as illegal boat people who threaten our borders and should be turned away from our shores - when it is safe to do so whatever that means. Safe for whom?
    Peter Costello used to flaunt his acting credentials but he couldn’t hold a candle to Joe for pathos.
    At least Clive made me laugh

  • 25
    fractious
    Posted Thursday, 5 July 2012 at 8:54 pm | Permalink

    The Pav

    in Queensland he’s national treasure but not nationally.

    Notionally at least.

    I find it a bit weird that Queensland regards itself as a nation when they’re a sate [sic] but then that’s how it is.

    It is. Every time I go there I think “that’s enough” (sorry, couldn’t resist). But never mind pedantry, if it’s a nation why’s it in such a state?

    Afterall isn’t there a National Gallery of Victoria.

    There is. And an Art Gallery of NSW, which is just as well (what would we be without one?)

    Of cousre it maybe that there’s a problem in translation. Maybe he’s not a Queenslanf=d National treature just the person whohas got the most of Queensland’s National Treasure

    I can think of another title but if I wrote it this comment would never get published and I would have wasted even more time than I habitually do.

  • 26
    The Pav
    Posted Friday, 6 July 2012 at 2:09 am | Permalink

    Just watched the Higgs Bosun video.

    I don’t know what is harder to understand. at least one is rooted in logic & science. The other is just rooted

  • 27
    The Pav
    Posted Friday, 6 July 2012 at 2:18 am | Permalink

    Dear Fractious,

    Going back to an earlier comment of yours when you allowed 2 minutes of chit chat I think we have both missed something.

    It would take two minutes to get his breath back after walking up the path.

    The the thought of having to listen to him for two minutes is an act of cruelty. If he had done the door knocking then I am sure some poor benighted sole would have lost his rag and visited some GBH on him. I don’t condone violence but I think the probabilities are this would have happened if he had done anywhere near the door knocks he claimed.

    It would be amusing to consider what would happen if he and Suzanne Blake got together.

    And thanks for understanding I am one bad typist which is why I never criticise other people’s typos. If Suzanne Blake applied the same standard to lying we would never have to put up with her posts ever again.

    Oh well at least I can dream of world peace & a cure for cancer

  • 28
    Filth Dimension
    Posted Friday, 6 July 2012 at 9:44 am | Permalink

    Thanks for the link Cuppa. The ABC is being destroyed from within so the LNP can justify the nail in the coffin when they take the reins of power. Those being critical of the ABC need to be careful not to push too far. The ‘right’ have a very sophisticated and targeted media strategy right across the globe, from Fox News right down to the little goldfish like Suzie Bleak & Geewanker.

  • 29
    Holden Back
    Posted Friday, 6 July 2012 at 10:34 am | Permalink

    NGV founded in 1861 … . when there wasn’t a federation.

    National Trust (NSW), founded 1945, named the National Treasures, including Kylie Minogue … .

  • 30
    John Bennetts
    Posted Friday, 6 July 2012 at 1:13 pm | Permalink

    What a brilliant pairing of two irrational airheads this is turning out to be… Abbott and Palmer.

    Clive, the Life Member of the Liberal Party and Abbott, the the one adjudged by his side of the House to be the best and brightest that they can offer the electorate.

    It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

    I’d love to be a fly on the wall at their next meeting.

  • 31
    klewso
    Posted Friday, 6 July 2012 at 2:45 pm | Permalink

    Was it that appearance or last week’s where he offered Swan a “deal” to stay at his resort - with Jones “batting (his eyelids - to some more serious head-turning flattery)”, whoooosh, “through to the keeper”.

  • 32
    Owen Gary
    Posted Friday, 6 July 2012 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

    Add Hockey to that mix of Abbott & Palmer & the 3 stooges are in business again!!

  • 33
    Hamis Hill
    Posted Friday, 6 July 2012 at 8:50 pm | Permalink

    But it is good, surely, that the untouchable Abbott is getting flack from someone on that side of politics.
    Is Abott a marked man. MM?

  • 34
    fractious
    Posted Friday, 6 July 2012 at 8:51 pm | Permalink

    The Pav

    I think we have both missed something. It would take two minutes to get his breath back after walking up the path.

    You’re quite correct to point that out, though I do wish your raising it hadn’t resulted in my mind’s eye picturing opening the front door at dark to an overweight, greying, shambling sort in an ill-fitting suit breathing heavily. Were it not for our ABC’s extraordinarily generous helpings of Clive on the idiot box I don’t like to speculate how many phone calls to the local police station might have resulted.

Womens Agenda

loading...

Smart Company

loading...

StartupSmart

loading...

Property Observer

loading...