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44 Comments
think I’ll just get the plate
I must buy the Women’s Weekly this week and then the special wedding issue. I’ll tuck them away with my commemorative issues of Charles’ and Di’s engagement and wedding. I wonder how much I could sell the whole set for on EBay? Anyway, the Tassie-Danes still have more style and panache.
Is the excrement from animals seen and/or shot by W & K during their Kenyan engagement odyssey? That could be the deal maker. I’m not paying for any old shit …
Are they in a band? Why is she carrying a cymbal on her head?
Does the excreta have a heating element? If it’s not steaming, I’m not buying.
Dog not a fan of the Royals. Who knew?
I’m quite looking forward to it, actually.
@HOLDEN - the compost effect will ensure that the excrement remains steaming for some time to come. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
@CRISPY - have you ever had to spend time with a pack of corgis? It’d turn the most cavalier of spaniels into a republican.
@Stevo “It’d turn the most cavalier of spaniels into a republican.”
Quite the bon mot of the season, sir.
@STEVO - You’re absolutely right about a pile of shit that size, but surely you’re not suggesting I’d put sacred royal wedding excrement on my roses? I want it sitting in my china cabinet, steaming for decades, and to be handed on to my heirs or a grateful nation upon my demise.
I’m just pleased to see the occasional commoner getting in on the act these days - guaranteed to improve the royal gene pool no end.
Dogonauts are spoilt for choice with the above items. Can the gold plated diamante tipped stick also be used to lance a martini olive?
Clearly, FD is just insanely jealous he wasn’t born a corgi.
Since Xmas is coming dog. While you’re at your desk, could I please order a plate of the steaming stuff for the garden and a truck load of that flash gravel for the circular drive at chez Paddy.
BTW This classic cartoon is *almost* as funny as a slanderous tweet by a certain member of the Crikey team. (Who’d better remain nameless)
Something along the lines of ……Quentin Bryce said the only way her heart would be warmed by a royal wedding, would be if they tied her down and used a blowtorch.
Kopi Luwak would be the next best thing. (to the excrement)
Better a wedding than another war to amuse the great unwashed I guess?
Wonder if it’ll be like the last recipient of the rock’n’ring…
She produced an heir
And soon the spare
Then Her Maj gave her the cold hard stare
And thus hey presto, she was out of there
Turfed out like the last au pair
Then Chuck got a horse-faced concubine
(Yes I know it doesn’t rhyme)
Firstdog you are so wicked. Woof Woof. You know very well that little Willie
comes from a gene puddle of romantics and that his Dad, his loins aching with desire for his beloved Rottweiler, once telephonically professed to her that if there was indeed an afterlife, he wants to come back as her tampon. In Greyhound parlance, it’s called ’ blooding. ’
I look forward to a range of Firstdoggystyle crockery on this and your above themes being available in time for Christmas. All Royalties ( okay, then just part of them ) are to go to the RSPCA that still holds The Royal Warrant. Don’t forget that the lovesick Charles and Camilla gouged their initials into a tree that has now been declared an Other World Heritage Site and classified by The National
Distrust.
While out strolling the other night I broke into the warehouses of Emporio Primo Cane.
I can reveal that all these ‘keepsakes’ are simply rebadged items from the FDO™ catalogue.
EMC,
Doubtless this has been pointed out before: a dog simply cannot have a ‘cat’alogue.
prince Willy is 33 years of age sometime in 2015…33??? ..Hmmm…is he a child a wroth..sorry, i mean wrath.
Bunnings have a dogalog - remember Rusty and Sandy?
Zut, EMC the word you’re looking for is ‘cattledog’.
Apologies for the catachresis.
@MESKI - it’s Home Hardware that has Rusty, Sandy and the dogalog. Bunnings uses far less intelligent creatures in its ads.
Also, if Jasper wrote bad poetry, it would be catterel.
@Stevo: yes, I haven’t seen them for a while. Wonder if they advertise here?
But we are missing the point, and being un-Australian.
Will we get a public holiday?
i giggled into my commemorative chardy. i might need a few cases more….
Dog, I will catch up with you one day and c(h)astise you for this giving of a headache of me using this pie machine that is extorting the gold bullion out of me I brought on my travails to Melbourne town. PieLINK, the machine you use to read Mr Onthemoon when you definitely have no other way. Funny cartoon. Dog is an equiry-in-waiting, polishing his resume too.
PS. The other backpackers looked at me funny because of the uncharacteristic smile and genuinely elated laughter (on my own secret little public holiday). Thanks First Dog sir.
I chanced to spy at the Franklin Mint
Some regal merch
But I was skint
On offer there was a pile of it
With blood and chintz and guts and shit
Some dudes who through the dint of chance
Get lesser plebs to press their pants
Apparently are sched to wed
And we are s’posed to all be chuffed
But my firsty response is “All get stuffed”.
I cannot help but think this show
Seems like the final global throw
A vain attempt from Cork to Feargal
To resist the financial doomster gurgle
So let’s buy up all the Franklin crap
Be thankful Bill’s the kingly chap
Who saved at last the Women’s Weekly
And retire now to our bat caves meekly.
Very very good.
Just think of all the little old ladies in old soaks homes, they will be over the moon, of which First Dog is the king, their false teeth chattering with delight.
I am prepared to bet a reasonable sum of money that there are, out there, little old ladies who already are knitting baby clothes for the heir and the spare.
Such is the all consuming Oz love of middle class mediocrity these dreadful people will continue to be our head of state until the cracks of Hades open up to swallow us.
BTW Re: The commemorative plate. The pooch is clutching what looks to be a gizmo for making wire taut in his near-side front paw. Or is it, perchance, the bottle of cheap plonk FD refers to?
LONG LIVE THE REPUBLIC and a pox on heredity heads of state. Especially Bumface and her dysfunctional family.
Delightfully PI, big laughs! Now we need the FDOTM Classic Commemorative Single Malt Whisky, to go with the plate, matching nosing glass… so the FDOTM malt could be “redolent of wet dog, smoky peat from royal bogs near the highland estates, lashings of malt and sweet fruity tones” etc… and a flavour in keeping with the roughest pommie blends
@ EMC FDO™ wonderful!
Atcha Drew mcKinnie! ‘…redolent of wet dog, smoky peat from royal bogs’ Please! Do you write the labels that make the whole world drunkards on the shittiest plonk in the business labelled as ‘piquant’…my giddy evening this last and not had my head wetted for a while, but that reads bonzer for the Dog’s release of a best bottle.
Can I just have the Self Harm Kit? Now, please?
Some cracker comments from Mike and Andrew and Drew, but the bestest comment of all you will find on the Australian Monarchist League website under ‘Latest News’ - Republicans resort to dirty tactics. (I won’t do link to avoid moderation outrage).
They brand the work of our humble houndsome hero “FILTH!” “SMUT!” “OBSCENE!” “DEPRAVITY!” and … wait for it … “UN-AUSTRALIAN!”
It is the perfect punchline. I suspect First Dog’s new publicist engineered the whole thing to create a scandal to ‘shift more units’ of the Christmas Story.
@EMC: Those guys are weird.
“REPUBLICANS RESORT TO DIRTY TACTICS”
“On the Crikey website is a depiction of utter filth using the name of the
Franklin Mint. The Australian Monarchist League has contacted the Mint
requesting they have the obscene advertisement taken down immediately.”
It seems the monarchists league are upset because a dog has been engaged by Franklin Mint to promote this exciting product.
EMC- ‘fess up, YOU wrote that Monarchists league piece, didn’t you?
“On the Crikey website is a depiction of utter filth using the name of the Franklin Mint. The Australian Monarchist League has contacted the Mint requesting they have the obscene advertisement taken down immediately.”
(Who wouldn’t want to be a fly on the wall to hear that phonecall?)
“Not only is it totally un-Australian, it is an example of the lengths republicans will go to,to vilify and denigrate the monarchy they so obviously hate so much. May well we wonder what sort of republic these people have planned for us when they resort to such depravity.”
Not sure about the totally un-Australian bit. The phrase means so many diferent things to so many people.
“Details of the smut can be found at:
It will be noted that an advertisement for TELSTRA appears above the obscenity.”
Not sure about Telstra’s involvement - care to enlighten us FDOTM?- but it’s always good to get the details of the smut.
O tempora, O mores! Oh the horror! Oh the hilarity!
Sad.
Holden: If only.
It is parody on a level I can only dream of concocting.
EMC: I see it has leapt the fence!
May well (and May Gibbs) we wonder who really wrote it!
How kind of my friends to indicate the appropriate vowel and addition of an ‘r’ to spell equerry and not equiry. Thank you. So little matters in these twilight years … as one nihilist said to the other … I’m only pleased I can still spell dog.
I’m sure the icky wicky David Flint is busy dusting off his bridal clothes and sobbing sweetly with joy and happiness. Twink twink. Stellar sparkle. Rhinestone cowgirl glittering.
I would wish on him the same treatment meted out to John and Janette Howard. Monarchy grovel artists supreme. They grovelled and grovelled to be invited to one of the house of Windsor’s royal events. The Howards crowed and crowed in triumph at receiving this priceless invitation. They expected to get a good seat-with him being PM of the land of Oz. When they arrived for the big function they were outraged to realise they had been placed in the very back row. They avoided, or the Oz press couldn’t find them press coverage; the regrettable result was no happy snaps of this galah event.