Kevin, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you
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Goodbye Kevin. You prince of Nambour, you lord of bureaucracy, you gentle, big-hearted philosopher-king. We shall not see your like again. And long may we mourn you. To be honest, I always suspected it would end like this. The greatest loves always seem to end in tragedy; because perfection cannot be sustained, can it? The most beautiful creatures are also the most fragile, and Kevin you were always the glass unicorn of Australian politics: stunning, exquisite, yet so easy to break, and so it proved. You gave us such hope, Kevin. When you stood before us on that wonderful, intoxicating night in 2007, we knew that change had arrived. We could see it in the glint of those steely, determined eyes, in the set of your jaw, in the metallic sheen of that magnificent head of hair. After the long, dark winter of the Howard years, when we thought we may never rid ourselves of the yoke of economic rationalism, the cage of xenophobic scaremongering, or Peter Costello’s unnervingly shaped ears, we saw a new dawn, smiling down upon us, warming our frostbitten hearts and speaking softly to us in Mandarin. A prime minister who spoke Chinese! It was more than we deserved. Australia felt like some poor illiterate farm girl who had won the heart of a professor of civil engineering: not only giddily in love, but flattered beyond all bounds that such as you would cast an eye in our direction. You helped our self-esteem, Kevin; I shall forever regret that we failed to return the favour. But I would like to thank you, Kevin. I want to thank you for the past two and a half years. Two and a half years of joy and inspiration. Two and a half years of evidence-based policy and working families and sweet, sweet stimulus. Yes, more than anything, you stimulated us, Kevin. And I don’t just mean by giving us free money, although that was certainly arousing enough. But you stimulated us in so many other ways: intellectually, through your vast knowledge and command of language; emotionally, through your willingness to apologise both for the sins of the past and the failings of the present; and morally, through your passion for social justice and responsible environmentalism. You made us feel that government really could make a difference to people’s lives, and that maybe one day, probably third or fourth term, sometime around then, it would. You let us know we didn’t need to be worried about climate change, because you’d handle it. And handle it you did: not in the arrogant, abrasive way that so many other leaders would have, by banging heads or wedging people or taking harsh, vulgar action. You did it in a gentler, more inclusive way, a way that let everyone feel like a winner, from the polluting industries that felt like finally their concerns were being listened to, to the working families who needed to know that under no circumstances would they have to pay more for anything ever; to the environmentalists who, let’s be honest, were just looking for something to bitch about. But then, the ability to connect with disparate sections of society was always your forte. It was in the way you spoke, the way you switched with such natural facility between the jargon of high intellectualism, where programmatic specificity is all the rage, and the earthy speech of the common man, who asks only for a fair shake of his sauce bottle and that the rat-f-ckers don’t feed him any balderdash. You were a man of the people, even with your enormous intellect, and that’s why we just couldn’t get enough of you. But now, it seems, we’ve had all of you that we’re going to get. Like so many other titans, you have been scythed down by the tiny, petty people. To watch you beset by factions and unions and historic feminist advances was to see a proud and noble moose, torn apart by a pack of vicious chihuahuas. It is the curse of democracy: ever and anon are the mighty brought low by the small. But fret not, Kevin: the failing was not yours, but ours. We couldn’t handle a prime minister so cerebral, so hard-working, so pure. We weren’t prepared to keep at the helm a man whose virtues seemed to mock our own shortcomings. With every sound decision you made, you just reminded Australians of how unsound their own decisions always are. A sinister voice whispered in our ears, “let’s see you get the balance right on asylum seekers; you couldn’t combine generosity towards the desperate with awareness of the need for secure borders if your life depended on it!” We knew that never in a million years could we convince five out of six state premiers to sign up to an amended version of our plan for national health. And so, to our everlasting shame, when faced with a leader who was so much better than us, we turned on you. We tore you down, like a pack of chimpanzees eating a Rembrandt. But still, we will remember you, Kevin. We’ll remember you as the gentle soul who came to us with a message of love and hope that will, with a bit of luck, stay with us despite everything. We’ll remember you as the embodiment of all that is good and right about mankind, the reflection of the better side of ourselves. We’ll remember you as the micro-managing, Mandarin-speaking, process-following, stewardess-abusing man of our dreams. Farewell, Kevin. I’m sorry it came to this. But I could have told you, Kevin, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. |
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41 Comments
How presious
What a load of……
Oh FFS….
I agree with the above comments. Ben Pobjie’s contributions to Crikey have never been anything other than puerile. Let’s give him one mark out of ten - for consistency.
And Kevin Rudd speaks Mandarin not “Chinese”.
Hang on, where’s the dictionary? I think the word I’m after is under “S”, self-satisfaction, saturated, simpering … Oh, look. There it is. “Satire”.
David, I heartily recommend diving through the Macquarie every now and then, rather than relying on those damn ambiguous ellipses. It might save you from looking vague.
Zaf, if you don’t know “what a load of “….means? where have you been?
Anticipating the reprise of the Mighty Rudd videos, to explain the counter-revolutionary fall of the Chairman and the fate of the ‘variable absolute’ guiding principle and the gang of four.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptccZze7VxQ
I don’t think they have political satire in Iran which means by default, Australia’s is not technically the worst (though I do applaud i’s ongoing attempt).
There’s musical in this. Maybe even an opera.
Stary, stary knight damned by faint praise.
Crikey, you’re a contrary unit. You hit us with a rolling countdown (72 hours left , 48 hours) plus bonuses to encourage re-subscription, then whack this in to test our resolve.
“You made us feel that government really could make a difference to people’s lives, and that maybe one day, probably third or fourth term, sometime around then, it would…”
“… a way that let everyone feel like a winner, from the polluting industries that felt like finally their concerns were being listened to, to the working families who needed to know that under no circumstances would they have to pay more for anything ever…”
“We knew that never in a million years could we convince five out of six state premiers to sign up to an amended version of our plan for national health…”
Hilarious. Well written prose too — worthy of Slate or The Onion as a parody — please syndicate internationally at once to show that all Australians are not just well-meaning naive bumbling yokels as evinced by Robin Williams! Hmmm, speaking of which, Robin Williams and Alabama didn’t get a mention in this eulogy. I particularly liked:
For some reason, as usual, the first four respondees thought it was a fair dinkum shake of the sauce bottle…
@ Sean
I was perfectly aware it’s supposed to be a satirical piece. My earlier comments stand regardless of how you choose to classify this dreck.
Oh well. I’m a cranky and cynical type and I quite enjoyed this piece.
Although not as much as seeing the word dreck for the first time. Can’t wait to drop it in spoken conversation.
Poor man. He cast his swirls before Pine.
I thought it was brilliant, particularly the moose/chihuahua line.
Loved it. The first commenters seem particularly troll-like, or possibly inapable of grasping sarcasm. She is a fickle mistress.
I dislike rudd whom i find creepy but this is awful. This isn’t satire. This is lazy
puerile sneering. I thought Ben Pobje’s hey hey article was bad but this is worse. The trouble is his New Matilda work shows he can write well.
Sean this wouldn’t get house room at the Onion AV let aone the Onion proper. Never mind Slate.
Oh and Rev mountain I know what sarcasm is. Being sarcastic is not always the same as being funny.
It’s not an article, it’s a humorous piece. It’s not labelled as such at the top, maybe that’s why people can’t understand it or find it ‘puerile’. And I thought Americans had no sense of irony or satire.
If you don’t like humour or can’t grasp satire, of which this piece is a very good example, don’t read it. Or, if you have read it, try to unread it and cast it from your neural traces.
I think it’s a perfectly appropriate satirical dig at Rudd’s honeymoon period, his preciousness, and the fact that the Rudd govt started out with big sweeping populist ambitions and bollocksed most of them up. Probably failed at the detailed program specificity level, it wasn’t Rudd’s sweeping vision and clear genius that was at stake. And what of 20/20 etc.
In the meantime, we still have a huge problematic housing bubble, a right wing Labor govt who is generally pro-business or can no longer distinguish various lobbies’ claims and reality, WorkChoices Lite, the ABCC, detention centres, etc etc. It’s actually very easy for most govts to continue doing what the last govt did, there’s an army of public servants who continue to carry out ordinary programs, and dept secretaries try to keep things the same and minimise change, whereas pollies want to stress how different their new programs will be. The mark of a good govt is how well it pulls off changes to existing programs beyond the first thrilling announcements.
@Sean - but the humour fails on every level for anybody with either an IQ greater than their shoe size or that actually has even a moderate grasp of politics in Australia.
I fully appreciate and very much enjoy both irony and satire, this isn’t either, it’s baseline ‘hey hey’ or ‘chaser’ slapstick humour which (in my opinion) is neither clever or remotely funny.
Good on you if you like it, but please don’t suggest that those who don’t share your opinion don’t or can’t understand it.
I’ve been saying for years KRudd is straight jacket material. There is no room for sarcasm when discussing the legacy of Kevin Rudd. He is without doubt the worst PM in Australian history, he didn’t even make it through a first term. This is a man who only 12 months ago had a popularity rating above 70%, it boggles the mind how he has managed to bugger it ll up in such a short amount of time. A frightening indictment of the Australian electorate.
@ Johnfromplanetearth
If Murdoch media decided to do a concerted job on the captain of the Oz cricket team, a popular host of a TV game show, the chairman of the ASX, the President of the Country Women’s Association, the owner of your local bakery etc they wouldn’t survive either.
Tom - I don’t see this as ‘Hey Hey’ or ‘Chaser’ humour at all. For one thing, the language is more complex and descriptive.
I’d love to read more of Ben Pobjie’s work now New Matilda has taken a break. He’s one of the funniest political satirists writing in the Australian media space.
Good stuff. Keep it up.
hmm, OK, it’s not funny or satirical, sorry Ben, it’s puerile after all and you have the writing skills of a slightly backward child from a school in a disadvantaged area dragging down Julia Gillard’s aggregate NAPLAN score — for which we can only blame your teacher and principal, and immediately remove our own precious offspring from said school and put them in a fabulous private school across town.
PS The idiots above who think subtle humour pointing out the many obvious failures of our political leaders and betters is ‘hey hey’ standard are… well… idiots. I mean that with love of course.
Well, I think it’s brilliant. I also have an IQ in excess of my shoe size (both feet), a grasp of Australian politics better than my grasp of climate change, and most importantly a sense of humour.
“And long may we mourn you!” - priceless.
@Sean..your last para… “In the meantime, we still have a huge problematic housing bubble, a right wing Labor govt etc …” explains perfectly your attitude, as do most of your contributions. That is of course perfectly democratic as are the opinions of those, who do not agree with the theme of the article.
two words people: “glass unicorn”
Forgetting glass unicorns for a moment, it’s clear David and others don’t like the piece simply because they have a loyalist party political position and simply loved the guy, despite his many obvious failings as a PM. Sorry about that.
poor ruddy, so long fellow. http://wp.me/pXIwk-1z
Satire it’s not: plain nasty and spiteful, it is.
@Sean…wrong again, I was pleased to see him replaced, that does not mean I wish to see the man kicked in the gut.
Buggeration!
We don’t half get our knickers in a knot, don’t we?
@ Sean
The piece is limp regardless of who happens to be the subject. If it had been about Abbott or Wilson Tuckey it would not have altered my opinion. had been There is a total dearth of wit in the writing.
how beautiful and if a liberal writes anything else here
just go away he is out special person who got rid of howard for good
Gee Kevin please come back soon, people say that your staff could not get on with you
a nasty journalist may have already said that,
some people just cannot get on with achievers so take no notice i am sure what ever departmetn you take over will love and get on with you.
Its just that you expect perfection and you wanted to give us a perfect australia, but we cannot expect this, no one is perfect and we did not deserve your interlect your kindness and goodness
so please come back soon, i miss your tweets,. e.g. out at the moveis with the boys etc
meeting with this or that what other pm in history could offer so much to us
. i do want to see you as foreign minister or more and one day we we have all grown up
as a country and we have mended our ways its you i want again as my
prime minister i write this with tears in my eyes.
Dear Therese we are so sorry i do know that you and Kev are the most beautiful couple we have ever had at the lodge, god bless get well and come back to us soon please kev.
QUESTION TIME WITHOUT YOU IS NOT WORTH WATCHING
iam afraid this is country made up of very small minded materialistic people
you spoilt us a really good recession or depression may have taught the country a very good moral lesson AND OF COURSE if this had happened they would be screaming.
But something does need to happen here one day to make these materialistic people understand what a wonderful country we live in and what we have lost.
rest return and revive
See? A piece of prose so versatile it catches the light of the reader’s proclivity, reflecting a perspicacious satire to some and a moving valediction to others. With no disservice no more need be said than that.
hey, I agreed with you all at 10:28 — it’s puerile and disgusting, just like you said. I really sincerely mean that. I really do.
In the meantime, you’re still being governed by a fake labour party called ‘Labor’ who is actually busy screwing over ordinary ‘working families’ and anyone else not a captain of industry in an Anglosphere laissez-faire market economy with high unemployment and high underemployment. They haven’t wound back the Liberal govt’s Centrelink demands on single mums (but if you have a rich hubby you can stay at home and play tennis all day if you like), they haven’t changed Work’choices’ appreciably. Inflation is still a problem in the economy, housing is in a Ponzi scheme, and it seems the share market is also a Ponzi scheme for similar reasons of speculation and over-leveraging that will result in a dual collapse like Japan’s before very much longer. Hope everyone’s wearing their seatbelts and ready for it.
Next target: Tanya Plibersek, the one who takes all her orders from the REIA, pumps up housing bubbles, has no ideas about equity or fairness, and regularly gives stump speeches effectively saying ‘the poor will always be amongst you (so you may as well exploit them as tenants)’ — a line she learned from her political masters at the REIA. How there are any Labor ‘true believers’ left is beyond me.
@Zut Alors, I was a life long Labor voter until KRudd came along, i didn’t fall for Kevin 07 and voted against him. He turned out to be Kevin O’ Lemon alright and he didn’t need any Murdoch media to dig his own political grave. His party and colleagues couldn’t stand him, he had to go or the next election was lost.
Hi public persona was vastly different to that of his professional one, in 31 months he managed to get off side with China, India and even upset the Singapore PM Lee Kuan Yew. As for the Australian public..”You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time” I’ll give Jules a chance and see how she goes, she will win an election if held in late August. She needs to call it sooner rather than later. KRudd was an abberation in Australian political history.
I am worried for this country, there appears to be a large number of people who are in need of mental TREATMENT!.