The John Howard-Joe Hockey caption competition
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A picture might tell 1000 words, but sometimes that’s not enough. Add your own to this priceless image and win a selection of prized First Dog On The Moon Crikey merchandise! What did Mr Howard say when he saw that nice young Joe Hockey off the premises at the weekend? Send your thoughts to boss@crikey.com.au with “caption comp” in the subject field. We’ll announce a winner by the end of the week.
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161 Comments
JH: “I’ve always liked the look of you from this angle Joe.”
‘Not now John…’
John: Don’t forget the magic words!
Joe: Non core promise…non core promise… non core promise
For the last time Joe, you’re supposed to SELL the christmas cookies, not eat them!
Need something linked to Howard’s grimace. I can’t think of anything. The public service has drained me of all original thought and creativity.
John: I promise you can go on top this time.
Joe: Nah your right
JohnH: … and don’t forget what I told you to say about the ETS!
JoeH: We’ll never, ever have an ETS. Got it, Johnny.
John: Mind the steps Joe!
Joe: Left foot, right foot, left foot, le… damnit what was that again?
John: Where are me teeth?
Joe: I’m tired of delivering these meals. I’ll just eat the last few myself.
Howard: Careful Joe, don’t ever turn your back on a fellow conservative.
Hockey: I’m more worried about bending over to pick up our policies.
JW- What’s this burning paper bag? eww my slippers!
JH - tee hee!
John: - I told you no more door to door religion.
Joe:- Ah that is why Tony sent me instead…
John: Never forget which part of the political spectrum our great Party is on.
Joe: A cigarette-paper to the right of Labor?
Thanks for cleaning up the mess I left, Joe. Much appreciated.
No wuckers, John. Hopefully, some one will clean up my mess some day.
or
Sorry, Joe. Jannette was meant to be here 20 minutes ago. Can’t you wait?
Nah, John. Malcolm wants to see me.
Howard: That was the worst sponge-bath I’ve ever had.
Hockey: Costello warned me about this. Hope I’m still gonna be leader…
Johnny - Thanks for coming over to help me find my teeth Joe…
Joe - Is that why you called? I thought you offered to help me with my teething problems.
JWH: Tweet ya l8r big guy!
JBH: LOL
Christ Joe! What have you been eating?!
Common John, a fart’s always funny
John: And if you kids kick that ball into my back yard again there’ll be what for!
Joe: Sorry Mr Howard
JWH: Don’t forget what Ming told me: only use the forward gears when you’ve got the numbers in the senate. Otherwise just leave it in reverse.
JBH: Whatevs, Daddio.
JWH And don’t come back until you have squashed that twerp Rudd
JH I’ll have to check with Minchin first.
John: Good God, Joe, you’ve split your dacks!
Joe: Yeah, Janette’s pumpkin bloody pikelets always have that effect on me
John: My God, there’s a knife in your back ALREADY, Joe!
Joe: Heh heh - You and your metaphors, John!
(Thinks – I’d ask to borrow his Kevlar vest, if it weren’t 10 sizes too small…)
John: What have you stepped in!
Joe: Sh-t! It looks like the Liberal leadership, have you got a wire brush?
JHow: I knew you would need my advice.
JHoc: Yes, I’ve tried Tweeting,-now I’m trying Twotting.
Howard: How do you like my Wallace impersonation?
Hockey: Ask Gromit, mate.
Big John: (thought bubble) How can any man fart so much and so often???!!! My entire house is full of fartygas!!! OMG The smell!!!!
Mr Hockey: Heh heh.
Mr Howard: Don’t do it, man! They’ll tear strips off you and the rest of your life will be a media event
Mr Hockey: It’s OK, I’ve got strips to spare, and I wanna be famous!
Howard: Please. Don’t leave me here. Janette’s waking up in a few minutes and the cricket ended two days early.
Hockey: In fact, the point is, I am…
If you end your training now - if you choose the quick and easy path as Vader did - you will become an agent of evil…
I understand. R2? Fire up the converters
something about no teeth being best
and now i have a meeting to get to
Howard: I thought you were the home help.
Hockey: It’s too big a job to clean up after you.
Howard: it’s a simple matter of Work Choices, Joe.
Hockey: No, it’s about Rugby League’s lost soul and rescuing the Bears.
Howard: Just don’t let him pwn you like on Sunrise.
Hockey: What happens on the Kokoda Track stays on the Kokoda Track.
Mr Howard: BRAAAAAIIIIIIINS
Mr Hockey: Dum-de-dum…
John Howard: Joe, go out there and give em one for the Gipper.
Joe Hockey: Hey boss, I might be a nobody but I’m comin back a star!
Howard: What was Kim Beazley coming to see me me about?
Hockey: Bloody Jeanette has hidden his Ebixa again!
John H: Its a gift Joe
Joe H: Yeah, right
Mr Howard: “You’ve just eaten three weeks pension worth of me tucker ya rotten sod! You’ve eaten me out of house and home!”
Mr Hockey: “Buuuuuurp!”
John Howard: “Too many stripes, Joe. Too Many Stripes!”
Joe Hockey’s Shirt: “Don’t listen to him, Joe, always wear a shirt that matches your hair!”
John Howard: “Oh noo, the f*n paparazzi’s back trampling on all my shrubs again.”
Joe Hockey’s baby: ” Wheee! I’m gonna be a star!”
JH: If they ask why did you changed your mind remember what I said “I’m not running away from the fact that I had previously said I did not contemplate a major shift in policy, and that was a fair statement of the my state of mind at the time I made that.”
Ok. got it!
JH: “Say it ain’t so, Joe”
Shoeless Joe Hockey: “Yes, kid, I’m afraid it is”
JWH: “Give my best to Malcolm.”
JH: “We already have mate.”
J.W.H: I’ll never leave. Now get out!
J.H: For great justice.
JWH : Straight back in after ‘em, son!
Shrek : Tell Mum I came over, OK?
J.W.H “I’m so proud of you boy! Never liked those three other pricks.”
J.W.H “Now, remember the advice. Doesn’t matter what I believe. Will this fly with the electorate?”
J.W.H “Who the f*ck was that?”
J.H. “Now everyone ‘ill think I have the blessing!”
JWH: You have my complete support Tony
JBH: What the …?
In my best Yoda voice.
Pain leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to abbott..Much trouble Joe… i see……use the force Joe…
Howard: Come back! I’ll tell Tony to go home and change out of his budgie smugglers and back into a suit.
Hockey: Bugger that! Too much, too much..
JH - Joe after doing a three flusher, you have to flush three times.
Joe - tell Janet to put on the HAZMAT gear and get to work.
“Give it your best.” Under breath, “Stupid fat f — k”.
“Thanks for that”. Under breath, “Ignorant old c — t”.
John - “Take my teeth, these are how I kept a hold on everything for all those years.”
Joe - ” & I thought it was because Costello was gutless.”
Howard: “See you Monday then?”
Joe: “Use a condom next time”
Howard: “Have the courage of your convictions, Joe!”
Joe: “Shit, I hope they don’t find out about those”
JWH: “Remember Joe, we decide what carbon comes here, and under what conditions…”
JH: “Jesus Christ, the smell of urea’s what’s doing me in me right now…”
Howard: Oh, and Joe, when you badly lose the 3-way, grin like this!
Hockey: Gotcha.
Howard mutters: “I’m Church of England. Why did they send a priest?”
Joe mutters: “Poor bugger, thinks I’m Tony someone…”
Howard: “Janette loved that, Joe. See you next week”
Joe: “You should ease up on the jogging, John. Think energy conservation”.
Howard: (thinks) “Jesus, talk about methane, better leave this door open…”
Joe mutters to self: “Damned curry, but I don’t think they noticed…”
Howard (thinks) “Loser!”
Joe (thinks): “Loser!”
JW: Who ate all the pies?
JH: Put your teeth back in you senile old fool and bit my ass
Howard: “Wonderful talking to you Tony!”
Joe: (thinks) “Remind me not to get old…”
Howard …I told you we choose who comes here and why they come.
Joe..I was just seeking asylum John..
Howard: (cheerily) “You’re a harder man than I thought, Joe!”
Joe: “Funnily enough, Janette told me the same thing last night.”
Howard: “Wonderful talking to you, Malcolm!”
Joe: “My pleasure Gough”.
Howard: “We can’t go on meeting like this, Guy”
Rundle: “Relax John, this is my Joe Hockey outfit”
Howard: “Hell Bernard, I had no idea Libertarianism could be such fun”
Keane: “Just say three Hail Marys, John…”
Howard: “The Church of Climate Scientology?”
Hockey: “No one warned me he was losing it…”
Howard: “Did that piece of sage advice make up your mind for you?”
Hockey: “Which one mate? If it was the one about giving up whale blubber burgers…..I agree and will make it my new years resolution numero uno! And if it was the one about wearing a kaftan at all times to hide my unsavoury girth I also agree!”
Howard: “What’s that gadget in the back of your neck, Joe?”
Joe: “Can’t be too careful John.”
Howard: “Watch your step!”
Joe: “It’s my back I’m worried about.”
Howard: “Thanks Joe. Send the next one in”
Joe: “Jeez John, Janette’s a real goer!”
Howard: “Come back Joe, my hand’s stuck in the screen door!”
Joe: “There’s no need to lie any more, John.”
Howard: “Please don’t go Joe. I’m home alone”
Joe: “Costello’s free”
JWH: Ha! I’m not stupid………….. did you honestly think you’d get away with hiding Nick Minchin under your shirt?
NickMin: Damn it Joe…………………. We been Busted!!!!
Or:
JWH: Thanks Matt, hardly recognized you without the cravat, I’d be honored to be a contestant on Celebrity Masterchef.
JoeH: Yeah whatever John…………….
John: It pains me to see you so dishevelled!
Joe: It’s my wife’s fault, she only has time for nappychanges.
Howard: (Thinking.) What a lovely young man. Who did he say he was?
Hockey: (Thinking.) What a lovely old man. Who did I say I was?
Mr Howard: And then, we got the GST! Do you want to hear about ‘The Tampa’ again?
Mr Hockey: ‘Listening to this is why I got knocked out in the first round…’
It’ll be no picnic yogi
I’m smarter than the average bear yoda
Howard: “Janette dreamt you’d marry a Chinese Lesbian, Joe”
Joe: “No way. I’m a member of Opus Gei”
Howard (thinks) “Silly bugger doesn’t realise how lucky he is. I can’t stand marbled meat”
Joe “Hey John- why is this place wrapped in crime-scene tape?”
John: I can’t beleive you, you you ate my words aswell you…
Joe: Two steps forward. Where’s your butler John?
Joe: “I thought it best to tell no one I was coming here, John”
Howard: “You’re the soul of discretion Joe.” (thinks) “One more step, then I pull the lever”.
Joe: “But what does GFC stand for, John?”
Howard: “Global Fat Crisis”
Joe: “But what does ETS stand for, John?”
Howard: “Janette’s favourie: Extra-Terrestial Sex”
Howard: “… now get off my lawn!”
Hockey: “That didn’t go well…”
Howard: “And IIIIIIIeeeeeeiiiiiiiii will always wuv yoooooooooo-oooooooo”
Hockey: “Where’s that Fielding prick? I need disinfecting.”
Howard: “Make sure you knock off Santamaria’s love-child, Joe”
Joe: “Piece of piss. They don’t know I’m a Mason”
Howard: “Sorry Joe, but everyone has to leave home sooner or later”
Joe: “Jeez, Dad, can I at least bring me laundry back on weekends?”
Howard: And that poor bastard thinks this silly bastard is going to support him! Ha!
Hockey: Bloody old fool!
Howard: “Has my DNA test come back yet Joe?”
Joe: “Yes. Costello was right. It says you are a bastard.”
Howard: “Has my DNA test come back yet Joe?”
Joe: “Yeah John. Don’t ask. Something about Taronga Park…”
Howard: “What did Abbott’s DNA test say Joe?
Joe: “Neander-something. He’s been taken to Taronga…”
Howard: “What did Abbott’s DNA test say Joe?”
Joe: “Shit happens”.
Howard: “What did Abbott’s DNA test say, Joe?”
Joe: “They’ve got no idea. It’s in Da Vinci code.”
Howard: “Well Joe, what are you gunna do?”
Joe: “Rage, rage against the lying of the Right.”
Joe: “What chance have I’ve got John?”.
Howard: “Sorry Joe, but I think the Pell tolls for thee…”
Howard: “I decide who comes into this house, and the circumstances in which they come.”
Hockey: “But you destroyed my house. Can I have my Baklava back then?”
Hockey: Oh, by the way, Bronwyn sends you lots of hugs and kisses.
Howard: Tell the old buzzard that one romp dies not a romance make. Eeeewww.
Howard: Joey, Joey, Joey…… what do you mean its over?
Hockey: its the guy in pizza shop, I’m sorry….. its over
Howard: What workchoices promise? I love Tony now so go away
Hockey: Thanks for nothin you senile old XXXX
Howard: Abbot performed a Karma Sutra of climate change positions for me and your only offering a conscience vote?
Hockey: Karma Sutra of climate change positions? Mmm He’s the rodents love child all right!
HOWARD: I knew it wasn’t Pete’s voice on the ‘phone.
HOCKEY: I wonder why he called me Peter?
Howard: I don’t believe it, you’re more of wimp than Costello, Joe
Hockey: Thanks John, can I take that as a compliment?
Howard: Bye Kym
Hockey: Silly Old Bugger
Howard: Janette. Get on the blower. Tell Tony to run
Hockey: Well that’s one Vote
Howard: You’ve buggered My Party
Hockey: You did that yourself
Joe: “I’m sorry to hear Janet’s left, John”
Howard: “Yes, but Greg Chappell and I go back a long way.”
Howard: “Don’t take it so hard, Joe.”
Joe: “It’s my Party and I’ll cry if I want to”.
Joe: “I didn’t know you’d rented the back room to Dennis Ferguson, John”
Howard: “We needed someone to run the creche.”
Joe: “Thanks for the cones, man. Mad Monk? Mad Skunk! “
John: “Dutch oven, baby - the only climate change I care about.”
John :- ” Jeanette said Don’t Come Back !!.
Joe :- ” Bloody Anglo Catholics ! All pussy and no Meow !”
JH “You farted you fat prick?”
JHOCK ” Cop that four eyes”
John: Hokeidonian? Get out!
Joe: But I’m willing to compromise on everything!
Howard: Remember Joe, they can’t have a conscience vote because they have no consciences. I took care of that.
Hockey: Don’t worry, Malcolm promised mehe won’t run.
John: I still don’t get peak oil.
Joe: It’s ok John! Neither does Tony.
Howard: “Janette always insists on peak oil.”
Joe: “Stock up then, John”
Howard: “What is anthropogenic global warming, John?”
Joe: “The way you feel after a massage with peak oil, John.”
Howard: “What is anthropogenic global warming, Guy?
Rundle: “The way you feel after waking up next to Levi-Strauss.”
Howard (sings) “Wonderful, wonderful Copenhaaagen…”
Joe: “Time for your kerosene bath, John”.
Howard: “Love is a many-splendoured thing, Joe.”
Joe: “I needed the money John.”
Howard: “what are we going to do with Tony’s body, Joe?”
Joe: “Dunno, but make sure he gets extreme unction.”
Howard: “what are we going to do with the body, Joe?”
Joe: “I think Christopher Pearson wants it”
Howard: “How are we going to stop these endless cruel jokes, Joe?”
Joe: “Cool it John, I’m gunna pull strings at Crikey”
Howard: “What causes global warming Joe?
Joe: “Bad sex”
Howard: “But there’s no such thing as bad sex”.
Joe: “I rest my case.”
Howard: And don’t let me catch you trying to sneak into the Small Mans’ Syndrome Club again !!!
Joe: Bugger !
Howard: “What causes global warming Joe?
Joe: “Bad sex”
Howard: “But all sex is bad”.
Joe: “I rest my case.”
Howard: “Why bloody Ignatius?”
Hockey: “We hated Tony, Malcolm, John, Andrew, Bob, Nick, Wilson, Christopher, Alexander, Peter………”
Howard: Why bloody Ignatius?
Joe: Because he is the only one in the party that can look in the mirror and like what he sees !
Howard: Why bloody Ignatius ?
Joe : Have you ever seen me in budgie smugglers John ?
Hockey: Why bloody Ignatius ?
Howard: Because mini me is a fully paid up member of the Small Mans Syndrome Club !
Howard: Romejoe Romejoe where art thou Romejoe ?
Hockey: Alas poor Malcolm, I knew him well Horatio.
I agree with the final assessment, these aren’t funny. Fart jokes in general are mildly funny but would be better if Joe Hockey was known for farting (is he? did I miss something) and fat jokes aren’t funny.
The ones about rogering Jeanette are kind of funny.
Yeah, well how about having a go rather than being judgemental?
Howard: “Did you send all those jokes to Campbell, Joe?”
Joe: “Yeah. He promised to send you the T-shirt.”
Beckchanock:
Be fair, 43 of these jokes had me in stitches.
To be fair, I didn’t actually read all of them. I’m as lazy as I am judgemental…and mysteriously, single.
John - Good night Joe boy
Joe - Good night John boy
John - There’s no need to meet the pizza delivery boy at the front gate
Joe - I do
John:- Funny that the nicknames of my Deputy Leader and the current Deputy Leader are the same…
Joe:- No John, turn your hearing aid up, your Deputy’s was shorter.
Howard: I’m sorry Joe I’ll pay for the abortion.
Joe: Yes, but what will Tony say?
Where’s my Brilliant Comment ?????
The obvious is:
Howard: “Joe if you nominate you will never ever be defeated. That’s a core promise”.
Hockey: “Thanks John.”
Howard: Remember the mantra Joe, “the liberals united will never ever be defeated.”
Hockey: Yes and with every nomination comes a free set of steak knives.
Hockey: Thanks for your support Johnny boy, I think I’ll be a great leader.
Lets play! Follow me to the meeting John! ” Following the leader, the leader, the leader, following the leader….” rambling into the distance.
Howard : “Run abbot, run abbot,
Run, run, run,
I’ll give Joe hockey his fun fun fun…. “
Hockey: Well fine! But I don’t see anyone else that would be a suitable candidate!
Howard: Oh im sure we can find some lame, gay churchy loser to do the job.
beckchanock - hmm detective skills at work…
doesn’t like fat jokes - fat
judgemental - ugly
lazy - politician
“mysteriously” single..? or husband that looks like a hatfull of arseholes?
Ms Neal if you are in need of a chuckle just reread your feminist statements about sticking it out in your marriage.
Merry Christmas ! And I agree fart jokes are just childish.
Howard : Close the gate on your way out!
Hockey: Which one? Iguanagate? Utegate?
Howard: Close the bloody gate cause even the Mad Monk can follow simple instructions!
Howard: Watch your back or they’ll have ya!
Hockey: Shh! Im busy enough trying to watch all these little steps.
Howard: Heres johnny!
Hockey: Its just not scary without teeth John…
Howard: Eh.. Give this to malcolm when you see him mwah!
Hockey: John.. Im not giving him the kiss of death john!
Howard: Ahh.. the good old days…
Howard: Pathetic
Hockey: Pathetic
Howard: Shit Joe you’ve just trodden on my petunias.
Hockey: I came here to hear that? Goodbye Mr thrips.
Gardening pun.
Howard: Loser
Hockey: Loser
Howard: Return my lawnmower & you’ll get some advice”
Hockey: “Fat chance….& I don’t mean me”
Howard: Just keep telling the truth like I did
Hockey: the old bastard’s lost it !!!!!
Mr Howard asking-“Why is my Speechbubble above my Head and yours around your groin.” Mr Hockey replies-“To stop you feeling envious , my Flies have just broken.”
Howard: Sorry, I don’t think Australia’s ready for a PM of Middle East appearance.
Hockey: So I guess it’ll be the wingnut…
Howard: (sotto voce) God help the Liberal Party.
Hockey: (sotto voce) Well that was an hour of my life I’m not getting back
Howard: Remember Joe, you’ll be fine if you take a position & stick with it!
Hockey: OK then, I will run. Or, once I know what Tony’s doing. Then maybe.