The Greens oppose the CPRS not because it is too weak, but because it will point Australia in the wrong direction with little prospect of turning it around in the timeframe within which emissions must peak, says Senator Christine Milne.
Keeping women in their place: on the Brownlow red carpet. Wearing dresses.
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In the latest dispatch from the End of Civilisation, I feel compelled to reveal a harrowing experience I had recently, an experience so disturbing that I have only just stopped shaking enough to write. There I was, hoping for a relaxing Saturday, sitting down in front of the TV to enjoy a nice day’s football, when something so horrible, so dreadful, so blood-chilling happened that I can scarcely believe it wasn’t a dream. The football started, the players hurled themselves into action, but as I pumped up the volume I heard it: a woman’s voice. Let me just repeat that for you: the voice…of a woman. On the football. Calling the action, for all the world like a real commentator. Sitting up there, trying to brainwash us all into accepting her radical feminist agenda through her devious use of subtle subliminal messages contained in phrases like “holding the ball”, “crumbing the spillage”, and “pumps it long”. Phrases that would normally, when said by proper sportscasters, be innocent and inoffensive, but, like a bible read aloud by Satan, take on a sinister and terrifying timbre when enunciated by this nefarious weekend-infiltrating harpy. I mean, honestly, what’s going on here? Just how far can “equality” go before men no longer have any sanctuary, no respite, no space where they can safely go to be with other men, to watch other men chasing balls, to listen to other men describing other men chasing balls? Where will it end? Today female football commentators, tomorrow there could be female newsreaders, or female lawyers. Slippery slope, I tell you. Now, some PC greenie-types will be saying, hey, what’s the big deal? What difference does it make whether the commentator is a man or a woman? Let me ask, have you ever heard a woman’s voice? It’s all high-pitched and tinkly, like wind chimes. Would you want wind chimes commentating on football? Can wind chimes convey the excitement of a speccy? Can wind chimes abuse an umpire? Can wind chimes bellow like a moose when a young man is knocked unconscious by a perfect hip-and-shoulder? The answer to all these questions, in case you were wondering, is “no”. Although at least wind chimes don’t try to use sport to push an extremist Marxist agenda, like Kelli “Germaine” Underwood. Fact is, for football, you need a man’s voice. A voice rich with testosterone and muscularity and barely restrained violence. A voice that booms with the authority that can only come from a life spent possessing a Y chromosome. A woman’s voice just doesn’t have that authority. What’s more, a woman such as Underwood has never even played the game at the highest level. How can anyone properly describe a game that is going in front of their eyes unless they have played that game professionally, or at least possess a similar type of genitals to those who have? It’s not as if women aren’t allowed a place in football. They get to frock up for the cameras on Brownlow night, don’t they? Everyone makes a fuss over them for half an hour or so, makes them feel special. It’s heartwarming, and life-affirming and – this is the most important part — it keeps everyone in their place. That is, men are in men’s place — playing football, commentating on football, running major corporations, fixing cars, etc — and women are in women’s place — wearing dresses. Why can’t Kelli Underwood stick to wearing dresses, and unburden herself of these delusions of grandeur? Why do we need this mix-and-matching of gender roles? You don’t see men trying to commentate on childbirth; why would a woman want to commentate on football? Is it supposed to be cute? So what is the answer? Well, like all problems, the best solution to this one is coercive government action. Legislation must be passed as a matter of urgency stating that all men’s sports must only be commented upon by people who can prove in extensive and invasive medical tests that they are of the male gender — thus not only preventing Ms Underwood from continuing, but also weeding out some more experienced commentators of whom, to be frank, I have always had suspicions. I would prefer the legislation to specify that women cannot commentate at all, but I am willing to accept a compromise whereby women can commentate, but only women’s sports, such as netball, MasterChef, and soccer. Get onto it, pollies. Sport is at the heart of our national character. If it’s going to go all girly and submit to crypto-feminazism, then all those brave Australians who fought and died for this country will have done so in vain. All those — and I can’t stress this enough — male Australians. |
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34 Comments
Yawn. Don’t think much else can be said in response.
I can’t work out if your piece, Ben, is tongue in cheek because you’re trying to disguise the fact you can’t stand Underwood commentating, or because you really can’t stand her commentating, so well done there.
That said I, as a four-star, fur-lined, ocean-going (to borrow the words) footy junky and a woman, have to say that her calling a game makes my skin crawl. Could be any number of factors: the girly voice, the fact that she (like I) is female and has never played and will never play the game (particularly at AFL level) and therefore can never know what it’s like and what it takes physically and mentally, or the constant stream of call cliches. Most likely it’s a combination, but the latter really grinds my goat. As for the Brownlows, if I had my druthers the chicks would be banned from that as well. Sorry girls, but ‘s just not about you.
Callers need a deep voice, like Rex and bruce
Sorry Bruce
Tag article as “Flamebait, Nicetry”.
But regardless of the tone of the piece or its intent… I like Kelli! It was a bit unexpected when i first heard her calling a game, but i reckon she did alright. Would hate to think she was placed in the box as a “token chick”, but from what i’ve heard I think it’s on merit and she’s doing a pretty good job in my opinion.
You don’t see men trying to commentate on childbirth. Really? Anyone got statistics on male ob/gyn specialists?
I’m reminded of Rex Hunt’s claim that football has been “hijacked by the Chardonnay set”. Personally, I think the game’s improved since Geoffrey Rush started serving cheese platters to the players at half time.
Yeah right women calling a womens game
“… like a bible read aloud by Satan” - that’s a great line!
Funny article; “I lol’d”.
she’s only doing tigers and hawks games though
cause they play likes like girls, so its more of an
interpretive role….
J-Boy, it’s like commentating on their handbags then?
Was it for the sake of wording a feeling or are you really meaning something? Are you actually a woman with lots of humour ? Are you trying to reestablish a limit that you deeply miss or that you need to be able to live in this world ? Are you trying to do so by addressing the most classical issue? If it is just ‘this’….then i really dont understand the point of publishing it.
Not sure what was funnier. The article, or the numpties who have no clue as to what the intent of the article is.
GEF, I vote for your sterling use of the under-used word “numpties”.
“Was it for the sake of wording a feeling or are you really meaning something? Are you actually a woman with lots of humour ? Are you trying to reestablish a limit that you deeply miss or that you need to be able to live in this world ? Are you trying to do so by addressing the most classical issue?”
Is your comment of the good, or have me apology nice you bad me sent?
Ben, I think that’s come thru babelfish.
Look, I don’t care if people like or don’t like a female game caller, that’s their preference…personally I hate football so much that any novelty factor like the above is the only thing that might pique my interest…but it’s this hackneyed mocking of women taking non-traditional roles that I do find on the nose - if it’s meant as a humorous but genuine argument, it’s offensive and besides that an old anti-feminist joking stance that’s been around pre-Pankhurst, and if it’s a parody, it’s still an old joke that’s been around pre-Pankhurst. If you really have a problem about her work, fine, but don’t trot out your vaudeville witticisms, it’s all too tiresome.
I found the fatal flaw in your argument Lolo; Channel Ten didn’t have the AFL rights pre-Pankhurst!
Check and mate, my friend.
Rather than finding the hackneyed protestations amusing, I’m saddened that noone thought to cut to the metaphysical chase on this one - this article is clearly a vigorous attack on the all-too prevalent and idiotic assumption that ‘it’s all one’. By asserting that men and women are - duh - different, the author has demonstrated a non-zombie-like grasp on reality. Bravo.
To criticise the messenger, i.e. this article, is to miss the point altogether.
How dare anybody not find this author the epitome of comic genius. He has taken a subject that everybody else has spoken on and found no new ground. Sorry to upset his friends who stick up for him at his posts( is there a term for a reverse troll?) and only post on his posts.
For anyone who doesn’t see his genius then you must be stupid for he is witty. (or something like it)
Perhaps next week he will take on the chaser kids sketch, or Bindy Irwin or Shannon Noll or ……
Just remember if you dont get his genius you are stupid, or perhaps you have caught an occassional weekend update in your time…..
Heathdon, sometimes I’m critical of his work, sometimes it’s great. Not because of the subject matter, more how well it’s done. It’s somewhat as critical of the cliched way male commentators carry on, in my view.
I second the numpties call.
Don’t know what the fuss is about a women commentator is. After all “Brewce” has been doing it for years
“Just remember if you dont get his genius you are stupid”
Seems to be true, but don’t forget correlation is not causation, Heathdon.
I must also be a numpty.
I thought the hyperbole was obvious, funny, and critical of the haters. Whats not to like?
Heh heh heh…liked this very much.
Are crikey readers really less sophisticated than new matilda readers?
Ben, this is brilliant satire and it’s wasted on the literalist numpties.
BEN BOBJIE: Quite brilliant! I am moved to apologize for my fellow Crikey readers. Many of whom appear to fail to understand irony. As PWNEROUS puts it. ‘What’s not to like?’
I’ve always thought the testosterone sodden voices of commentators like what’s his name..Yeah, Rex Hunt. Makes them sound as if they all are wearing iron jock-straps. Heheheheheh.
Piers, I thought they were the same readers.
Piers, I only have three readers. They all suffer from multiple personality disorder.
Note to self: write something this week that can legitimatly contain the word numpty.
Ben, you are hilarious. I get you. Don’t listen to the haters.
You forget the say at the end “You know it makes sense”.