My ‘everyone else is selfish’ offerings:

Mr ‘Insist on Parking Bicycle on My Bike Rack’ guy. I mean, I started using it first, thereby claiming ownership. Also, my bike lock is locked on to it – this, in my mind, is the equivalent of the “Reserved” parking sign. I hate trying to get my bike lock off with his bike in the way. I also hate how he can get out of bed earlier than me just so he can ride to work and lock his bike on my bike rack before I get there. If only I could use this as motivation to get up earlier. I plot to get myself another bike from the tip, and lock it on to his. I have the plan, but again, implementation has always been a weakness.

Mrs “Push in at the Deli queue when the ticket dispenser is broken’: I have young kids and all I want is to get 300g of shaved leg ham, and maybe some bacon and leave with my sanity intact. Instead, bossy cow with hips, muscles in and intimidates deli girl into serving her first. She wants 100 grams of everything. I plot ways of having her fall on the automatic ham slicing thingy. Meanwhile, my two-year old has destroyed the cheese fridge…

The “I haven’t seen you for ages so let’s stand in the middle of this busy entranceway and catch-up on news’ families: WTF?! I think malls and shopping centres should have “Inconvenience Bobcats”. These machines could whizz round and briskly shovel annoying twats standing in doorways to one side, lovestruck couples stumbling along hand in hand, and other listless dithering knobs.

The “I can’t talk to you right now, because I need to answer this phone” shop assistants: I am here now. I am a customer who wants something. Since when did answering another customer who is not actually in the store become more important than dealing with real customers? (answer: probably 1991). My favourite is when they keep getting calls and they end up with four people on hold plus me becoming extremely pissed off. Bring on internet shopping.

Uh oh, I could go on. Time to get back to work.

Like the Big Issue guy at Central who writes terrible poetry and is always friendly.

Anyone?

*Drives me bananas*

The neighbours … at least 400 metres away and inaudible. If anything they hear my outside speaker on abc radio.

Thought you should know.

Or why do brainless norks come to work with heavy colds and drippy noses then, when I return to work after a week of suffering with THEIR cold, are serious when they say “I hope I don’t catch your cold”?

And who is the idiot who puts metal drink cans in the food recycle bin at work which is CLEARLY marked “food scraps only - for worm food”?

Anyway, I’ve solved the problem of my milk being constantly nicked from the office fridge - I put it in a plastic bottle on which I’ve written in thick black marker pen: “breast milk”.

“I have children and a husband and two dogs and I like to buy shoes, so I have to save money where I can. When I remember, I bring my lunch to work and keep it in the fridge, usually leftovers or tins of tuna. Once, I brought in a block of very expensive parmagiano so the leftovers/tuna don’t taste too much like cat food, and put it in the fridge.
So one lunchtime I go to the fridge and my cheese is gone. I asked one of the puddings I work with if she’d seen my cheese, and she replied “It had gone all hard so I threw it out.”
I called her a name that I don’t quite recall, but had something to do with being stupid and round, and said her fucking Kraft cheese slices weren’t even cheese and she wouldn’t know cheese if it climbed up her leg and gave her a cheese-kiss on her big cheesy arse.”
Stupid people are all-round annoying, and we should get rid of them.

Don’t give up, your bad parking girl may be terminally self-centred but some annoying people may have nice people inside who just need to be shown how to get out. One night someone in my street (not me) left a polite note on a windscreen pointing out the greater social benefit of parking closer than 2 metres from the tree. And within a couple of hours the car had moved back, and I like to think its driver is even now sharing the lesson of enlightened parking with others who were too stupid to work it out for themselves in the first place.

They refused to do anything about the dogs for three years.

Then there is the terribly terribly polite driver, encountered while walking somewhere, who stops to allow you to cross when you’re still about, oh I dunno, 50 odd meters* from the kerb, even though the driver couldn’t have hit you even if you had taken a running dive across the road, making you feel guilty about not hurrying up and crossing so they can be on their way again.

Not only a free comic, but free therapy. What more could one ask for?

* mild exaggeration

Of course there’s always some wanker on a Saturday who parks their 4WD 3 feet from the curb.

I’ve put many a postit note containing disgraceful language on many a windshield.

I regularly battle with the greenies who garage their car over my driveway for 3 week stretches, instead of behind their flat.

Dude, whatever it is you’re taking… I want some.