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Mar 16, 2009

Conroy: the slimy tentacles of Howard's internet

Unlike the Howard Government, Labor has vowed to protect every orifice on every citizen, writes Fake Stephen Conroy.

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I’d like to address the concerns of Australians who feel that the Labor Government’s Internet protection initiative addresses purely theoretical threats.

There are those, who walk our streets today, and loiter around fish markets, that are obsessed with the unnatural desire to participate in the forceful and dangerous coupling of unwilling humans with hideous, ocean-dwelling cephalopods.

I’m not talking about the depiction of college-aged girls who, after a grueling training session on the volleyball court, find themselves glancing — a little too long — at each others glistening, sweat-covered bodies in the changing rooms. A gentle kiss. A subtly probing touch…

No, I’m talking about thrashing, slime-covered tentacles that attack their victims by forcing unholy, pulsating appendages into any orifice they can pry open.

Tentacle-R-pe was isolated to Japan until Tim Berners-Lee and his allies unleashed the interweb upon us; opening a portal between the tiny Pacific nation and the rest of the world. During the Howard Years, the Internet took root and spread throughout Australia, allowing these er-tic horrors to insinuate themselves into every workplace, home, library, and school.

Unlike the Howard Government, Labor has vowed to protect every orifice on every citizen.

Thought-crime prevention and unsanctioned fetish enforcement are just two elements of the Labor Government’s multi-faceted Internet protection initiative. Cybercrime is high on the agenda as well. Just two years ago, Federal Police Commissioner Mick Keelty, predicted that the formation of criminal syndicates made up of cloned, part-human/part-robot cyborgs, were the single greatest threat to Australia in the near future. The second greatest threat after murderous kill-bots? Internet crime.

It sounds crazy; the stuff of comic books. But in 2007, Australians were duped out of almost a billion dollars by Internet scammers. Most of those funds were routed straight into the hands of rogue scientists researching — you guessed it — robotic humanoid cyborgs.

The threats that face our nation are very real, and very creepy.

Those who oppose our filtering initiative are, for the most part, good men and adolescent boys. They are not unpatriotic, and they are certainly not traitors. Satire and dissent are a healthy part of any democracy, and I salute them for having the strength to stand up for what they believe in.

That said, ongoing research at the Department of Science indicates a high prevalence of child molesters within the ranks of these cyber-dissidents.

Lots of love,

Fake Stephen Conroy

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6 thoughts on “Conroy: the slimy tentacles of Howard’s internet

  1. oie

    You know, just because you make @GreenJ laugh on Twitter doesn’t mean your funny. I’ve followed you for ages(yes, you follow me…ha ha!) and you haven’t said anything funny for weeks

    (You holding nasty pics or something?)

  2. Steve

    Are you serious Crikey?

  3. paddy

    Fake Stephen could only tell one joke and the joke that he told was stale.

    So FFS Crikey, enough of the FSC garbage and let’s get back to the real world please.
    This joke’s way past it’s useby date.

  4. David Havyatt

    Just boring trite crap again. And exactly why was it particularly worthy of inclusion in Crikey today?

  5. dj

    love it! fourchan strikes again!

  6. Oie

    Are you trying to be boring?

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