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Costello’s testimonial dinner address: exclusive sneak peek
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Peter Costello’s testimonial dinner address: Good evening everyone. I’m pleased that so many of my friends could make it along this evening. Thanks Brendan for those lovely words earlier. I didn’t quite expect you to start crying during your speech, but we all know you’re an emotional bloke, so thank you. The hair-pulling and clothes-tearing was probably unnecessary though. And thanks, too, to Tony Abbott for his words of praise. Tony wasn’t actually scheduled to speak – in fact, he wasn’t even invited – but we figured if he wasn’t here talking about me he’d be outside talking to the media about me, so it was a pretty easy decision to invite him in. Those people at Tony’s table, though, just watch out – he gets a bit punchy after a few beers. Make sure you don’t mention David Oldfield. Alexander Downer, too, it’s lovely to see you here, although if you could actually just stop handing out your new business cards for a few minutes, that’d be grouse. Cheers. John Howard, of course, can’t be with us tonight, due to a prior engagement. Apparently he’s “washing his hair”. Good luck to John on that. I have to say the last nine months has had its enjoyable moments. From my position on the backbench, I have a fine view of David Hawker’s head, and Kevin Andrews and I swap Bible interpretations during Question Time. Kevin’s very big on the Old Testament, of course, while I’m more a New Testament man myself, mainly because it hurt less when Tim used to hit me with it when we were kids. And I frequently take my laptop into the Chamber with me, although I still don’t know what that blue cable does and I never seem to be able to get onto Google when I’m there. Anyway. But the best part of all has been watching a bunch of people who wouldn’t give me the time of day when we were in government crawl over broken glass for me now. Yep, it’s going to be that sort of speech, folks. Are you sitting uncomfortably? Like Tony here. Tony was one of the stoutest defenders of our former Prime Minister, possibly because the old bloke thought Tony was leadership material himself. That was before Mr Howard realised, along with the rest of us, that Tony’s mad. Stark raving mad. You’re mad, aren’t you Tony? Yep. But now Tony loves me. Wants me to be leader. Wouldn’t have anything to do with the deputy leadership would it Tony? Can’t have both the leader and the deputy from North Sydney, eh? Same thing in the media. Take Dennis Shanahan. For years he was John Howard’s personal press officer at The Australian. I had to make do with the dwarf. I used to complain to John Hartigan about that. “Why do I get the bloody dwarf?” I’d say to him. “Why can’t I have Shanahan? Or Kelly? Or one of the others?” You’ve no idea what it was like. Milne would come in every morning , saying “I’m going to make you Prime Minister.” He never did jack, and then just when Howard was actually thinking about pulling the pin in 2006, Milne f-cked everything up. I swear to god. So anyway, watch out for him, Malcolm. He’s the kiss of death. Where was I? Oh, yep. Shanahan. Now Dennis won’t shut up about how great I am. All you bastards think that just because you tell me how fantastic I am now I’m going to forget a decade of humiliation? That I’d actually want to lead a bunch of ingrates like you? No way, José. Youse can get stuffed. But I’ve used my time on the backbench to develop some thoughts on the future of the Liberal Party. After considering… look, will someone take Wilson outside and give him his pills please before he makes more of a scene? After considering the history of our great party, its leaders, its triumphs and tragedies, its good times and its bad ones, I think the key challenge for the party is this: get a f-cking clue. Seriously. I said I was leaving, and sat on the backbench and said nothing more, and you lot went to pieces faster than a suicide bomber in a grater factory. You’re like those adults that have a fetish for being dressed in nappies and put in a cot. It’s scary. It’s like the entire party has daddy issues. So the best thing you can probably do to make yourselves electable is go and have therapy. Really. And so to my future. Tonight I’m delighted to announce that yes, I am leaving politics. I will be pursuing a career in the private sector – in fact, I will establishing a consultancy with my old sparring partner from my Labor days, Michael Costa, who at this very moment is announcing his own resignation from NSW politics. We will be establishing Grumpy Old Treasurers, which will draw on our unique experience of having to work under dud leaders who couldn’t take a hint if their lives depended on it. By way of conclusion, many of you might know that I’m a wrestling fan, and the other week I bumped into Mario Milano, the World Championship Wrestling legend, and we had a bit of a catch-up. And he said to me “Peter, it’s funny, but politics is a lot like wrestling. And I think you should have put the Atomic Drop on that John Howard.” And I said to him “Mario, you’re right and you’re wrong. Politics is a little different. In the Liberal Party, the two blokes in the ring aren’t faking it, but all the people standing round watching them are, and that’s the problem.” Have a good life, folks. I know I will. |
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64 Comments
Pig’s arse.
Leave the dwarf out of this! Hey, I look better in a yarmulke than a top hat.
Chris, I’ll give you 50 sheckels for your $75 ticket.
Shut up James. Brendan might die tonight at the dinner in Canberra. That’s what Dennis thinks, anyway. And Brendan said he’d happily lie back and think of England for Petie Sweetie.
John really is washing his hair. He still has head lice from holding that Aboriginal child. Quellada shampoo just doesn’t seem to work any more.
Lynelle, I am really interested in you. Let’s drive off in my Aston Martin.
JamesK will probably make a snide comment but I was at Pete’s party last night….I didn’t know…… it was a surprise.
I was going to storm out but…..ta da!….drumroll!….. the Lobster Bisque was to die for and that ‘87 Grange…….mmm….. but oh……. I have a headache.
Those Liberals!….they certainly know how to party….anyway….what is wrong with you people????!!!!!
He is the prince of Darkness but he seemed so…..so…vulnerable.
If only…….
Pollie want a cracker? Dead parrot, dead parrot, dead parrot.
Nel’s the trailer trash not the kids! Someone always has to go too far…
Grr….You can’t go too far. This is The Flying Circus and it has a cast of thousands.
I’ll drink to that, Cathy.
When I was running the show, Cathy, we dealt harshly with identity theft. All I had to do was give a wink and a nod and Commissioner Clouseaux from the Keystone Kops would clobber you with the new anti-terror thingies and lock you up and you wouldn’t be allowed to tell anyone, except your same-sex partner.
And if we thought you were nuts, we could send you out of the country. Big deal if it costs us $8m.
Don’t go assuming John Goldbaum’s identity. I know him well. He came out a long time ago because everyone loves him. He’s a big Jewish lesbian. Oy vey!
No way, Mario. I mean Jose.
Haneef is guilty of looking committed in a vague sort of way…….
Kinda cute tho’……….
The future belongs to me.
Hu’s on first. Wogs on second. 2B or not 2B?
Mirabella on the wall. Who’s the fairest of them all?
Good heavens Nel Heavens.
That Indian doctor might have a cure for head lice.
Yeh, John Goldbaum. That goes for me too. Why would you side with a scumbag like Bernard Keane when he’s mocking the Old Testament. Don’t you Jews have any pride any more?
I’ll take an axe to you bastards.
F-ck off Goldie.
Terrific, I am not alone in the exclusive diagnosis that the great man is dumb, actually he’s damaged.
Abbott’s problem is that he’s been told of the famous Abbott & Costello partnership and has started practicing jokes but can’t get traction with style for example, “ Costello is the greatest asset” when he means ‘the greater comedian’, of course wrong as usual. And you’re so right, the onlookers just stand and blink in admiration.
Brendan has done plenty of harm already. He’s destroyed the Liberal brand and what he is doing in the senate wreaks of economic vandalism. Didn’t Jane Callahan give you some Euthanase when you got fired from Health and Ageing? You know, just in case you felt like topping yourself?
How did Dr Harvey M Tarvydas get into the country? Throw him overboard.
Goldie, you are Beyond Blue!!!!! Get it. Rhyming slang for Jew. Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah Venise I went too - I was down the back and between rifts from Metallica and Aerosmith Prince Pete of Malvern did look chuffed with the big turnout. Good too in a smick suit until his lips curled into that smirk and said he was like the rest of the nation, really p**sed off with never being heard. The bit about a gutful of no one ever listening to him, being fed up to the back teeth with everyone turning a deaf ear stunned us. And then this guy turns up a couple of speakers and strums the old Creedence CW hit “heard it through the grapevine, not much longer will you be mine”? After that Pete went berko and said he was sick to death with the pro-Howard posse that had always ignored him even though he was the greatest cashier who’d ever graced his team’s front bench. Cue the guitar-plucker with the Willie Nelson “maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I should have, love you like I could have, you were always on my mind!! Then Pete lashed the dwarf as being deaf as a post and this tiny little person jumped up on stage as the string-picker played “out of my life, cuts like a knife, damned indecision and cursed pride”! What a night! Dimming the lights with the guy wearing a possum or weasel on his head, astride a stool with the spotlight glinting on an earring as he sang that Carole King/Gerry Goffin hit “it’s too late, baby its too late, I cant hide and I cant fake it” was phenomenal!! The curtains closed on a brilliant show. But I’m still waiting here at the hall where I told the organisers they could collect the $75 for my ticket.
Ah, canapes. I do so miss Kirribilli.
The real John Goldbaum? I’m the real John Goldbaum but it’s important that we provide The real John Goldbaum the loving environment to come out…
I always knew Haneef was innocent. It was written in the Old Testament. Lockemupandthrowawaythekey was always thumbing through the Torah. He thought he might learn which cave Osama was hiding in after fleeing Torah Bora. Wasn’t it nice of PetieSweetie to offer us an halal alternative for dinner last night?
Nice one Cathy, for verballing me with: “Haneef is guilty of looking committed in a vague sort of way…….Kinda cute tho’……….”
I wasn’t sure if it was you or JamesK but someone told me you were the one with the identity crisis.
And you guys reckon I’m mad.
Fun article tho’!
A million times better than the Costello Diaries
Is Grumpy Old Treasurers the name of a song? I could use it as a ringtone for my mobile phone. That old Mexican Hat Dance is boring now.
What are the side-effects Kevin? That Gardasil I gave to all the virgins made them all have faints and fits and funny turns. Peter Hartcher was right about doctors when he reminded Brendan that “the first thing was to do no harm”.
Good morning to Oneoftheonesusurped/Thesameoneusurped. I’m glad you logged on this morning. I thought you would probably not be in Brendan’s office yesterday. Good thing he pays for your home internet. I hear he’s truckin’ to Dubbo today. Tell him to visit the Western Plains Zoo. It is better than the zoo which the Liberal leadership combatants resemble at the moment.
I knew we shouldn’t have closed the mental hospitals and let all you people out on the streets.
JaneHalterneck I’m not in your cuntry.
Woe is me. My contract won’t be renewed. If only I had stayed at Immigration. I could have been our ambassador to Jakarta. How does that farmer’s wife reconcile her Anglican ministry with her husband’s children overboard? E-I-E-I-AO.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like me to come back and lead you again?
I propose the loyal toast. To the Queen. Sit down Alex!
Lay off Brendan, John Goldbaum. Your people tear their clothes at funerals, too!
I know you all feel let down because I didn’t tell you whether I am coming or going. I intended to but something got caught in my throat. I think it might have been a bit of backbone from the prawn cocktail. Bronny, you shouldn’t have boiled the prawns in the charmed pot with the calcium. The jelly dessert was lovely. It made me feel at home.
Venise, I saw you there. Brendan had me moonlighting. I waited on your table.
JohnCathy - you reckon I’d get that much for it? The cashier’s gone though…left the building with a little guy pleading to be his hearing aide. But the one with the weasel on his head’s destined for a repeat performance. Gee he was good. He’ll bring the House down any time!
Bernard Keane: Get a life!
Bravo, Bernard!
I’ll get you, Dr Harvey M Tarvydas. I’m keeping an EAGLE EYE on your medicare claims pattern and your PBS prescribing habits. And you had better report all those abused kids to DOCS. Oy, if I spell your name backwards, it is Yevrah Sadyvrat. You wouldn’t be one of Dr Haneef’s cousins, would you?
Yeah, Goldie. Brendan wouldn’t be seen dead at Arq. Ha, ha, ha.
There were no trailer trash in the colonies I visited. We need a new deal. The Tories no longer have their snouts in the trough but they’re still snorting powder like deliquent Thatcherites.
Our eyes met over the Lobster Bisque……… “Keane”, he said by way of introduction “Bernard Keane”…..
I thought he was genuinely interested in me but…..crikey how could I have suspected?
Piss off John Goldbaum. It’s Friday night you know. You should be up at Oxford Street dancing.
I had a dream. I dreamt that it was raining over the lower lakes. It was a wet dream.
There are more queens in my family’s closet than in yours, Bronny. How about a toast to SirLunchAlot. Here’s a box of Viagra I bought from the Cranbrook Hotel when they sold off his thingies.
JaneHalterneck, truly great friends with seriously interesting value are always so unexpected.
You can’t wear a yarmulke, Malcolm. It might be Friday night but it sure as hell ain’t like Shabbas dinner in Wentworth. Peter Costello is a Baptist, you know. I think you ought to wear your top hat, white tie and tails. Puttin’ on the Ritz. And don’t eat the chicken. The pork is half the price. That sounds pretty kosher to me.
Yeah, John Goldbaum. Why don’t you go to Arq? Maybe you’ll see Matthew Mitcham there.
CLUNK! Chris, I’m JohnCathy’s long lost mother, anagramatically speaking. All my kids are trailer trash, honey. Not a lira to their names. Tell the little guy to lower his duds, sell his cute little ass to the cashier, and let weasel-head chew his willy for $100. They all burned the House down long ago!
No! I think Bernard is right. Peter, peter is doing the whole schmiel to jack up the book’s sales. He will continue to do it until one of three things happen. 1) Belatedly, someone will work out a way to get at him on legal grounds. 2)He’ll continue to do this until the media stops giving him space; but he is apparently newsworthy. 3)
Someone shoots him.
Am I the only Crikey reader who has never heard of John Goldbaum?
Hey Petie Sweetie, I wasn’t really crying you know. I’m no sissy. It’s the bitter herbs that Malcolm brought along from Wentworth that were in the canapes.
Brendan, all that pulling out of your hair. Mohammed might have a potion for trichotillomania.
It is still possible he’ll change his mind and lead.
Crikey!