The Costello Memoir Part 1: the last Howard Budget

It’s the most closely guarded text in Australian political history, but publishing insider Walter Slurry has forwarded several extracts from the forthcoming Peter Costello memoir to Crikey. Today, part one: Costello’s account of the final Howard/Costello budget of 2007:

Howard turned to Vaile and said that he had a “war chest” of several hundred million dollars to deliver to marginal seats. The PM reasoned that the budget surplus was sufficiently large that it could withstand this type of “electioneering” as he put it. Vaile was certainly given the impression that he had a free hand in determining how the regional funding would be spent. This news was well received by the Nationals. Vaile himself appeared to drool slightly from one side of his mouth.

At the time, there was concern that this fiscal irresponsibility would be seen as cynical and manipulative by the press gallery. It could backfire. It could be seen as a desperate act by a desperate Government spooked by Rudd’s popularity. Somebody needed to stand up to Howard and rein in his 2007 budget plans. Somebody with guts needed to stop the PM from squandering a decade of financial conservatism. Someone had to be counted in the column of small “L” liberalism. Unfortunately, Nick Minchin said nothing.

This is the worst type of pork barreling I’ve ever heard of  — this is a f-cking stupid plan and will cost us seats like Herbert, Forde and Longman!,” I remember wanting to scream out.

Instead, I smirked quietly to myself and noted my views privately.

Recalling my notes from that fateful Cabinet meeting, in regards to Howard’s 2007 Budget strategy I noted: “bum, sh-t, poo, wee-wee”. Looking back with hindsight, I perhaps should have been more vociferous in my views to Howard and Vaile, and written “bugger it” in my diary.

Mal Brough continued to push his NT intervention plans. I had some reservations, but Mal said that policy had not worked well in the United States. Certainly, I was concerned about the budget implications of the operation, and told Minchin, Bishop and Downer that we needed to proceed cautiously. Our economic credentials lay at the centre of our re-election chances and the 07 budget would be seen as a defining document come election time.

Howard not only wanted to continue the intervention (and expand it to that other troublesome Territory  — the ACT), he further proposed a $30 billion tax cut to be announced during election. I was appalled at the concept. Stunned. A shiver ran up someone else’s spine. I may have experienced a bladder spasm. I forcefully put my views vis-à-vis the financial costs of the intervention and the tax cuts to Howard when I met with him in his office later that day.

Listen John, I’m the Treasurer. I will wear the blame for rising inflation. I will be the one the public distrust. If I am going to be the future leader, this inane half-baked economic voodooism has to be killed and buried. You have f-cked up my chances of being PM now  — you’re not going to f-ck my chances in the future!” …is what I day-dreamed of telling Howard.

According to witnesses however, I apparently fainted on the PM’s floor and was carried out by Tony Nutt; reviving a short while later in the corridor near Aussie’s.

Tomorrow: Beazley was the best asset we had.

11 Comments

  1. JamesK
    Posted Wednesday, 13 August 2008 at 2:06 pm | Permalink

    Haha! Walt; you are a genius is what u are. It is the funniest, cleverest, bestest and truly most brilliant piece of political mockery ever!!!!!!!!

    You guys at Crikey……….ur just too brilliant….that’s why Christian left…ur just too witty for the likes of Kerr and any other serious commentator.

  2. Gene
    Posted Wednesday, 13 August 2008 at 2:01 pm | Permalink

    I disagree - this is a pretty pathetic parody. Walter lost me at “bum, sh-t, poo, wee-wee”.

  3. AdamC
    Posted Wednesday, 13 August 2008 at 4:20 pm | Permalink

    Why publish a juvenile, snide piece like this which isn’t even funny?

    Surely it should at least be funny?

  4. MediaMook
    Posted Thursday, 14 August 2008 at 7:05 am | Permalink

    Funny stuff Mr Slurry. And the ‘bum, sh-t, poo, wee-wee’ comment is a reference to a strange Wikipedia entry traced back to the Howard Govt’s Dept of Prime Minister and Cabinet as reported back in August 2007. So the lavvy language is justified. The staffer responsible must have been lower middle-class.
    http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22299260-662,00.html
    ‘The most embarrassing edit traced to the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet (PMC) is an act of vandalism on a martial-arts related entry, in which the user wrote, “Poo bum dicky wee wee” on the page in an apparent test.’

  5. Jennie
    Posted Wednesday, 13 August 2008 at 5:18 pm | Permalink

    Have to chuckle

  6. Patricia
    Posted Wednesday, 13 August 2008 at 7:04 pm | Permalink

    Yes! If this circulates more widely than Crikey the real thing has no chance of gaining gravitas in its publication as political biography. Crikey subscribers should send it to friends. I loathe e-round robins but think I’ll make an exception of this. The lavvy language which usually leaves me cold is just right here. I am still smiling after a belly laughing re-read!

  7. Venise Alstergren#2
    Posted Thursday, 14 August 2008 at 10:32 am | Permalink

    MediaMook: Yeah, I can be a pain in the butt. Thanks for the info. re origin of of ‘poo,bum, etc. BTW when I accuse the land of Oz for bing lower middle class, I, naturally, include myself!

    Cheers

    Venise

  8. Mervyn Langford
    Posted Wednesday, 13 August 2008 at 9:55 pm | Permalink

    Mate, my grin is almost as fixed and inane as the Hon. PC’s. Well done.

  9. andrew
    Posted Thursday, 14 August 2008 at 12:27 pm | Permalink

    Hilarious. Thanks, I really needed a good laugh.

  10. Mark P
    Posted Wednesday, 13 August 2008 at 1:53 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for that, funniest piece I’ve read for some time.

  11. Venise Alstergren
    Posted Wednesday, 13 August 2008 at 5:37 pm | Permalink

    I could have done without the bum, sh-t, poo, wee-wee. I thought, perhaps erroroneously, that Australians had outgrown this lower middle-class terminology. The sort of talk that a Kath or Kim of the 1940s would have used to talk to their children. However, the parts where someone’s (?) hero, PC, says to himself the things he didn’t have the guts to use to the world’s worst Prime Minister (JWH), are better than hilariously funny. Here we perceive a hint of George MacDonald Fraser’s sublime “Flashman”.