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Tuesday, 15 July 2008

WYD merch: Get your stigmata here

Crikey work experience kid James Vinson writes:

For moral support during World Youth “Day”, his Holiness has a small army of 700 Cardinals and Bishops, 200 clergy and 225,000 registered pilgrims. But of course, this wouldn’t amount to a truly spiritual experience without the opportunity to purchase some pious merchandise. And this, unfortunately, is where WYD08 falters.

Crikey is astounded to discover that the WYD range of religious products is a somewhat limited and far from breathtaking selection. Granted, you may buy a holy medal, a “funky” cross pendant and chain or even a lovely ceramic plate that shows off the dashing smile of Pope Benedict XVI himself … but we believe we can do better.

For those of you searching for a product that does your faith justice, look no further than the Crikey Buyer’s Guide to Essential WYD Accessories. Let’s go shopping.

  • Introducing the finest (and only) temporary stigmata tattoos on the market. Amaze your friends as they believe you are the second coming of the Messiah! Two sheets of open sores, gaping wounds, gashes, abrasions, and stitches ensure that you will look as good, if not better, than the real thing.

  • Tired of strategically placed sticky notes going unnoticed and unread? Invest in these quality “Commandments” stickies. Nothing is more authoritative than a grey piece of paper headed “Thou Shalt!”

  • Nunchuck. It’s a horrible pun reinvented into everyone’s secret fantasy. Simply load the spring action pistol with a nun figurine and then fire away at your enemies! Lock stock and two smoking nuns.

  • The Lock ‘n’ Load Jesus mug. Jesus never forced anyone to believe in him. Then again, he never owned an Ak-47…

  • Wash Away Your Sins soap bar. It’s scientifically proven to be twice as convenient as repentance.

  • Figurines? Try the hugely popular trio series. The Pope, The Christ and God Almighty himself. Each one sporting opposable arms and legs. Putting the fun back into fundamentalism and the laughter back into sectarian slaughter. Collect the set.

  • Jesus the astronaut. The 9-inch tall action figure that revolutionised creationism. It all makes perfect sense now! Jesus created the universe using his mystical astronaut powers! Georges Lemaitre eat your heart out.

  • Play Jesus. When you’re hard pressed for ideas on how to further waste your life, why not turn to the What Would Jesus Do? Christian game? A board game or a bored game? I guess you really do have to ask “what would Jesus do?”

So when heading over to Sydney for the World Youth Day, don’t settle for mediocrity. Instead take some time to research your purchases, compare prices even. Our list will not disappoint.

12 Comments

  1. Wow
    Posted Tuesday, 15 July 2008 at 6:45 pm | Permalink

    Your going to hell kid. Great graphics.

  2. Bernard Keane
    Posted Tuesday, 15 July 2008 at 5:00 pm | Permalink

    Good point Dave. Jesus has super powers and doesn’t need to breathe. Or he could create a forcefield around himself to keep the air in.

    Who’d win out of Jesus v Superman anyway? And for that matter, Judas Iscariot v Lex Luthor?

    And lulz at the WYD merchants in the temple issuing copyright warnings.

  3. Leigh Josey
    Posted Wednesday, 16 July 2008 at 10:35 am | Permalink

    I reckon Jesus would win, Bernard. But Lex Luthor would take the undercard.

    What about Jesus and Lex Luthor in a tag team catch match versus the Big Show and Bastita?

  4. Eric Smih
    Posted Tuesday, 15 July 2008 at 2:44 pm | Permalink

    I want some of those sticky notes! I’m about to move into what could best be described as communal living with a group of Christians who may not want to do their washing up.

  5. Linda Jaivin
    Posted Wednesday, 16 July 2008 at 9:34 am | Permalink

    Don’t forget the ‘Holy Toast!’ Miracle Bread Stamper. ‘Press the stamper into an ordinary slice of bread, toast it, and behold a miracle!’ (it impresses a picture of Mary into the toast.) I have one standing by my toaster for those days when nothing else seems to work.

  6. WYD 2008
    Posted Tuesday, 15 July 2008 at 3:08 pm | Permalink

    The WYD08 Shop is managed by Corporate Express. Copyright in the design, layout, graphics and other content of this Website belongs to Corporate Express Australia Limited (“Corporate Express“). Copying, modification, reproduction or distribution of the same without the prior consent of Corporate Express is prohibited. This excludes all intellectual property owned by WYD2008 ACN 118 060 987 as trustee of the World Youth Day 2008 Trust ABN 73 422 698 032 (WYD 2008) including but not limited to the WYD 2008 logo displayed on products which at all times is owned by WYD 2008.

  7. Venise Alstergren
    Posted Wednesday, 16 July 2008 at 1:36 pm | Permalink

    What about some condoms that even the Catholic Church would approve of? They come in three sizes, and all colours. Guaranteed satisfaction. Authentic, none of this ‘Shroud of Turin’ clap trap. Money back if not satisfied. Each condom bears the slogan “God is coming”.

  8. Connor Moran
    Posted Tuesday, 15 July 2008 at 4:58 pm | Permalink

    Space Helmet! The Monty Python crew would be proud. Brian!

  9. Big S
    Posted Tuesday, 15 July 2008 at 8:06 pm | Permalink

    This made me laugh out loud …..

  10. Dave Liberts
    Posted Tuesday, 15 July 2008 at 4:50 pm | Permalink

    Why does Jesus need a space helmet?

  11. Pag
    Posted Tuesday, 15 July 2008 at 2:09 pm | Permalink

    hahahahahahahahahaha! Big J himself would be proud!

  12. firstdogonthemoon
    Posted Tuesday, 15 July 2008 at 11:22 pm | Permalink

    The Lock and Load jesus mug is OUT OF STOCK! I am so buying one of those. It will go nicely with the jesus action figure I already have.