Crikey

Across the planet, attention has focussed in recent weeks on how JK Rowling might bring to an end her seventh and final Harry Potter novel.

Some alternatives:

• Harry resolves to accept Voldemort’s assurance that once they have achieved world domination through combining their talents, Voldemort will step back and let Harry have a turn.
• Harry and Voldemort manage to extinguish themselves simultaneously in a final battle to the death. Ron Weasley steps up to fill the power vacuum.
• Neville Longbottom manages to convince Voldemort and Harry that they should detain Parvati Patil without charge. This has unforseen consequences.
• The Daily Prophet publishes a series of misleading opinion polls that scandalously exaggerate Voldemort’s support in key Death-eater held marginals.
• Harry decides that perhaps he’d rather be a muggle after all and turns in his wand. Delighted, Voldemort invites him to dinner.
• Voldemort, on the advice of his wife, opts for eternal tenure.
• Voldemort turns out to be his wife.