Crikey

News today that Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd has demanded disciplinary action be taken against several Australian sailors who apparently used language worthy of an old-school union delegate to ward off attack by the Iranian military.

Rudd’s position here is in line with his recent statements against the more verbally voluble members of the union movement, a stance that has resulted in the production of an official ”Ruddspeak” negotiation guide to be issued in stages to all ALP affiliated unions, beginning with the West Australian branch of the CFMEU.

Crikey has obtained the following leaked passages from the document after a Canberra secondary college student found it crumpled in with several old maths tests in her gym bag.

OLD: F-ck you dog breath, I’m coming on the f-cking site.

NEW: Good morning. I wonder if we might have a discussion pertaining to my obtaining immediate entry to the workplace?

OLD: That’s it f-cker, by the time i’m finished here you’ll be working at f-cking Hungry Jacks, you low life c-nt.

NEW: Maybe this isn’t a good time. Could we talk about this later? Perhaps over lunch.

OLD: We know where you f-cking live you worm.

NEW: In the circumstances, there is a strong possibility the dispute may escalate.

OLD: Right brothers, these pr-cks aren’t comin’ good on any of our f-cking demands. Everybody f-cking out.

NEW: Sorry siblings, but negotiations appear to have stalled, and frankly I think my own obstinacy may be a contributing factor. I think we need to call in a professional facilitator.

The document has now been forwarded to various ADF chiefs with an eye to its obvious usefulness during future military engagements.